Woman in the Mirror…#2

“He that conceals his grief, finds no remedy for it.

Dante P.,

         It’s almost been a year, and it still feels like Feb.4th was just yesterday. I can still smell your cologne sometimes when I walk through my apartment door after work. Somedays it makes me smile, sometimes it brings to me to my knees in pain. I just erased your phone number from my phone 3 months ago, because I feared that if you texted me I wouldn’t recognize the number. I saved all your text messages so that I could think and cry about all the things we would talk about. If I sit and try I can make myself remember everything verbatim, because in some weird way my worst fear is forgetting anything at all about you. When I first came to the realization that you were gone, it was hard for me to find happiness in anything. I didn’t want to smile. I didn’t want to eat. I did that because I thought that was how you would want it, I thought it would be easier that way. It wasn’t, and now I know you would say “Man, don’t worry about me Chula…I’m good.”

It took me a while to find some sort of closure, I’m writing this letter to you just so you can see that I’m growing. To show you that I DO value the lessons you taught me, and how to control my emotions and feelings to do good and spread it as far as I can. I never had the chance to let you know that how you would tell me you felt for me, I felt the same way. My pride wouldn’t let me admit to you that I had fallen hard. But you being gone has let me know that my pride don’t mean shit when I can’t say those words to you in this lifetime. You were there for me at my lowest point in my life, when no one else..friends or family were there. I constantly feel like I let you down. I wish I would have listened to your cries for help when you would tell me that you were drunk at 8 in the morning. Or when you would want to come to my house just to watch TV for hours with me and Devin. At the time, I thought you were just doing that because you were bored and needed a warm body near you. You weren’t..you were crying out for someone to care. I did..and still do. I treasure those memories with my life, and no one can EVER take those away from me. 

I still wish our last conversation was on good terms. I wish I hadn’t let you leave my house angry and mad at me. I wish when you told me to “value my friendships, bridges burned are hard to repair” I wouldv’e listened. I can’t. It kills me everday that you left this earth with ill feelings of me in your mind and heart. It burns me up that my ego wouldn’t let me admit that you were right, and just to let it go. I’m crying like a baby while typing this. My heart has been heavy for so long, and this is my way of finally letting you know I’m letting the hurt go…finally. For months you would be the first thing I thought of when I woke up, and my last thought before I went to sleep. I was left staring at old pictures and saying the things I wish I would’ve said when you were here. I learned in this last year since you’ve been gone, that you were wise above your years…and hurting so deeply inside. You have taught me the greatest lesson in life. ….I don’t just want you to rest in peace, but to also rest in my heart.

Dante Alexander Paire- Aug.7.1986-Feb.4.2009 

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