Black Girl Rant #6: Like Crabs In A Bucket..

..some would rather kill themselves trying to keep others down, rather than to use that same effort to try to claw to the top with them. A shame.

I was just recently talking to a guy that I had met about 2 years ago. Of course the situation started out great, we just meshed. Or so it seemed. He turned out to be the most draining, needy, and manipulative individual I had ever met in my life. The crazy thing about the situation though was that I just couldn’t seem to leave him alone. He was such a parasite, and I knew it, but I just couldn’t pull myself away from the situation. I couldn’t let it go until finally he said to me over the phone…

I do just enough to keep you around. You’re a really good girl, but you know I ain’t ready to be in a relationship right now…I know I’m fucked up, but I don’t want you to go and find someone else…

o_O    really ninja?

That’s what’s hot in the streets?

Not only did this ignorant ass negroe not want to commit to me, he also was full of sh!t and knew it, AND he didn’t want me to meet someone a real man who would treat me right. Some people have the audacity to believe that their own emotional baggage is more important than anything else in their life, and is important to others as well. He made me laugh that day, and everyday after that. I promptly erased his number and suggested that he never call me again. Not in those words, but you get the point.  No one is ever worth giving up your happiness, you should never give anyone the power to pull you down to their negative level. It took me awhile to realize certain things, but I’m glad I eventually learned. Misery loves company….and when it knocks, I try not to be home.

This Can’t Be Life..

…”this can’t be life, this can’t be right”- Jay Z

I can’t make it…this can’t be it…. So let me get this right….you’re born, you work, you marry, you die? irefuse. irebuke. ideny that this is how my life was meant to be. The above picture shows the horrid basic evolution of how “life” should progress. I respect those squares that follow the standards and norms of society to a “tee”, but some don’t realize that this ideal is NOT meant for everyone. Not everyone has to go to college, get a good job, marry, have kids, and retire. That’s just not very appealing to me in the LEAST. # killyoself.  It annoys me when guys assume that because I’m single I must be miserable and a horrible person. Or that if I haven’t gone to college, I must be someone with low ambition. Far too often people tend to measure success based on things that are irrelevant to the value of life. Success IMO is making it through tough situations with grace, seeing my child live to see another birthday in good health, and having the ability to nurture and appreciate the relationships I have made with people in the course my life. There are a large number of people who don’t  follow societies norms in a traditional sense that have made major impacts…not everyone needs a template for life…I’ve decided to note a few reasons why following the “norm” will most likely not be for me….

I’m too stubborn to ever settle (for anything)..settling is for people that have stopped living. If there are no milestones to reach and no hills to climb there is absolutely no reason to even look for anything meaningful to happen…settling is what the chicks on Flava of Love…oh no wait…that’s just old fashioned gold diggin’. #Nokatstacks.

College is not for everyone…im not on being in debt, or loans, or studying. I tried it for two years…good grades. But in all actuality, college is a scam…yea, I said it. A BIG EFFIN SCAM. All the loans you have to take out, books you have to buy, years you have to waste…pointless. I can succeed in millions of other ways….I dont need 4 years of meaningless classes to prove how well I will fit in society. Damn that. Damn it all.

Because 20  years from now I’m going to look back and smile…I have lived, and lived the BEST way I saw fit. <—that’s what I’m going to say at 75, with my spiked lemonade, and newport light. YEP. #kanyeshrug. I do what I want.

I couldv’e sworn lived in a FREE country…where not everyone had to follow the cookie- cutter template of life. That’s insane. There a million and one ways to get to the top of the mountain, the man at the bottom is a fool for shouting his way to the world. I am fully able and capable of accomplishing my goals without having to live life inside of a box. Yep, It’s possible.

George Clooney and Oprah did it..

Exhibit A: George Clooney

1. Never married

2. Went to 1 year of college, dropped out to pursue acting

3. Wants no kids

Exhibit B: Oprah Winfrey

1. Never married

2. No kids

3. Multi-million dollar empire

Both of these examples show that although it doesn’t work for everyone. The norm is NOT necessarily the standard.

So ha! I DONT have to do things YOUR way. The End.

Black Girl Rant #5: DMV Traffic

                                                                        “Can I live?”

If you just so happen to live in the lovely DC Metro Area, then you have definitely had the honor of being stranded for hours at a time on endless highway in…..TRAFFIC. I hate it. Abhor it. And so eagerly wish it would cease….I mean really, what CAUSES TRAFFIC?

So, I’m driving to my dad’s house in DC (I live MUCH further south), and I have the sudden urge to use the restroom. #FAIL. Not just the urge where you know you can hold it for another 30 – 45 minutes..oh no, this is the urge where if I don’t go immediately “it’s” going to let go FOR me. So I try to plan ahead, have a set plan of action if an emergency arises and I have to pull over and go to a gas station or hotel or SOMETHING. The only problem…I’m sitting in 395 N traffic, on a saturday, in the middle lane, with a 2 year old in the car. Yep, I’m screwed. The funny thing about this area is that DMV traffic is not like anyother kind of traffic, where you just KNOW the reason must be an accident, scheduled construction, temporary blockage of a lane. NOPE. In this area the main source of traffic comes from………………..

1. A police car that pulled someone over on the side of the road.

I can NOT for the life of me understand why people feel the need to immediately slam on their breaks because they see a police car…on the side of the road…that pulled SOMEONE ELSE over…..10 cars ahead. This makes me question the mental capacity of the driver at question, and I immediately proceed to put my turn signal on to change lanes. I don’t need another driver’s stupidity and lack of intelligence to be the cause of my demise. I know I’m not the only person who realizes that if the policeman/woman apprehended someone ELSE, chances are they aren’t checking for YOU going 5 over the speed limit. #whogoncheckmeboo? I guess common sense aint so common.   

2. People talking on their phones.

I’m human. I can admit that I occasionally talk on my phone while driving. But I will NOT however forget that I am behind the wheel of the vehicle. That’s just ridiculous. I thought we as a society had evolved successfully into having the ability to properly multitask. If you can’t focus on the road maybe you should consider …ummm… NOT TALKING ON THE PHONE. Now you have 20 cars behind you that want to throw rocks at your window because they can’t pass you. Does that make you feel powerful? Ugghh..

3. Elderly people and/or New drivers that don’t realize they are going 40 in a 65.

Speaks for itself.

OR…

4. Stupidity.

Slow driving. Cutting people off only to drive even slower than the person you were behind. Rain. Snow. Fog. A slight breeze. Any reason that has anything remotely to do with the weather is ALWAYS cause for traffic. I don’t get it.

So thankfully I made to DC before my body did “it’s functions”.….(I’m too old to be explaining accidents!) But I realized I needed to start catching the Metro and maybe consider investing in a bicycle. My sanity is seriously depleting. It’s to the point now where I plan events, trips and things I do during the day AROUND heavy traffic hours. It’s sad. #Kanyeshrug.

Does anyone else hate traffic as much as I do? What are the REAL reasons that traffic occur?? Is anyone selling a bike?

Woman In The Mirror #3: 5 Secrets To Life..

                                                                 …I’m holding on, are you?

Another beautiful monday morning…another day closer to thursday, and the weekend…and my birthday. I’m really focused now more than ever on what I want to get accomplished by 25. My list is long, but time waits for no one. It feels like just yesterday I was setting milestones for where I wanted to be at 21..so far so good. I think I deserve a small pat on the back for all that has been achieved and overcome by “yours truly”. But I know that I wouldn’t be here where I stand today without my family, close friends, and most importantly MY SON. I hear people constantly say that they “never want kids”, and while I respect that…there is no greater feeling in the world. Five years ago I would’ve never imagined in a million years that at this age I would be a mother, provider of another being. NEVER. But I am, and wouldn’t trade this experience for the world.

But I digress..

While talking to another of my close friends on the phone last night, he asked me a pretty deep question :

“If you could go back to when you were 17/18 and give yourself advice on what you’ve gone through up to this point, what would you say?”

Now, at first I quickly replied. NOTHING! I’m an advocate for going through experiences to know how to adjust for the next situation…but then I retracted my statement because in reality there are situations that you go through in life, only to learn there was truly no point in even going through it in the first place. So I thought of my “7 secrets to life” that I think would enlighten the much younger me with tools to deal with the real world…the absolute first on my list would have to be…

 1. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

It took me so long to finally make this something that I didnt have to TRY to do, overtime it just became a natural reaction. I’ve realized that not EVERY situation or person that comes into my life deserves my undivided attention and urgent priority. My priorities are just that for a reason. So eventually I just realized when it’s time to let things go, and relax. Life is too short to be stressed out over irrelevant situations and draining arse people.

2. Perception is everything.

My dad (who is the ABSOLUTE BEST father…yes FATHER, in the world.) taught me when I was younger that perception is EVERYTHING. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, you judge people before they even say two words out of their mouths. How you dress, talk, eat, walk….everything is a direct reflection of you and what you’re state of mind is. So if you decide to walk out of the house in knee high boots, a mini skirt with booty meat showing, and a tube top with the ladies hanging out..don’t be suprised if Tyrone and JJ prejudge your character. It aint right, but that’s life. #Doyou.

3. Don’t waste your life focusing on monetary success.

At the end of the day when I’m dead and gone, no one is going to say..”Damn, she had such a beautiful car..and clothes…and took nice trips.” It’s obviously nice to have those things, but it scares me when people waste their whole lives chasing it. It kind of makes me wonder why they cant just enjoy the little things. Money comes and goes, but who you are as a person is eternal. Make an impression that matters.

4. When people show you who they are..BELIEVE THEM!

It’s pretty simple. When people say that they are heartless and have no soul and kick puppies, it makes it kind of hard to assume that they have good intentions when they interact with society. When someone says they can’t be trusted and they don’t like humans, I tend to stay away from those types. Life is too short for subliminals and I value my sanity too much to play games with people who don’t even want to put out good vibes about themselves. Show the pretty side at all times, you never know when the ugly side may come back to bite you.

5. Never let anyone see all the cards in your hand.

I will admit that I am a very emotional person, and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve with many situations. BUT, I have the ability to see when sometimes I just need to play the background and observe. I refuse to be vulnerable to anyone by force, and I feel like emotions shouldn’t be put on front street all at one time. Keep your hands close until you’re sure you’re ready to play them.

Any other secrets to life? Is there something I’m missing? Is there anything to add to the ones I’ve mentioned?

 

Where has the time gone?

So, my younger brother is now 17…I know, I know…no big deal right? Wrong. My YOUNGER brother is 17! With a mustache, and a license, and a girlfriend, and a blackberry. WTF.

So let me explain what this means for me:

I’M GETTING OLD (er).

Now, I’m not even remotely the type to stress myself over irrelevant things like age or weight…but this is just a more blatant realization of where I am and how long it has taken me to get to this point. It seems like I myself was just 17, graduating, and excited about college. Now I’m a mom, IT professional, and almighty payer of bills. I vividly remember waiting for my little brother to come home from the hospital, angrily. Yes, I was pissed. I was so used to being an only child, and having my parents TO MYSELF. But as time flew by I now see clearly that my brother has grown to be someone I can trust, and respect, and my bestfriend….

Friends: How many of us really have them?

                                        “How many of us have them?”…..#wishfulthinking

It’s that time of year again…SPRING! Eventhough it feels more and more like winter lately, I absolutely love all the activities associated with this time of year..gardening, fairs, beaches, cleaning, humping like rabbits…all necessary duties that are primarily performed during this transitional season. To add to the list of things I enjoy, this is the time of year when I do the most evaluation on the state of my life and where I stand with people. I think this has a great deal to do with the fact that my birthday is in this particular time frame and I absolutely abhore the feeling of being content and complacent. So, while pondering on the relationships or lack thereof  that I have with the many people  in my life I began to think to myself….what is a friend? Do I have people I consider REAL friends? Am I a REAL friend?

Now let me begin by saying that I’ve been called ALOT of things, but among those things I have never been told that I’m a “bad friend”. Now, this is all a matter of preference of course, and what a person would even consider a friend in the first place taken into account. But as I sit thinking about the people I interact with on a regular basis I begin to see different forms and shapes of  what could be a “friend”. I’ve learned some people you tend to keep in your life simply because you have no reason NOT to, others just have to “grow” on you over time. I consider myself to be a pretty understanding person but I’m still learning to be more flexible and realistic when it comes down to what I expect from the people in my life…that’s one of my most blatant flaws, you can’t turn a horse into an elephant, so just learn to ride the horse…(RIGHT?) Not so much.

But, I digress…I came up with a list of the type of friends I’ve discovered I have or have had to come  into contact with at one point in time, good and bad and how I deal with them to keep my sanity…I learn something from every single person, but I always try to remember ” to thine own self be true”….shall we begin?….

First up on the list….

The “Frenemy” is the person who is  really only associated with because of the mutual friends you share. It’s kind of a Lauren/ Heidi situation…#Iheartthehills….you two were probably really good friends at one point and then someone messed up the bond, OR they are just a hater of greatness. Either way, they are just barely tolerable at most. These people probably DO have some great and admirable qualities, but if stuck with said person on an island for any amount of time over an hour…someone’s eyes would be carved out with a spoon.

The “EX” is someone you dated, probably for an extended period of time, and it didnt seem to end with a happily ever..sadly. But, some how grew over time to be the best of friends. I think this type of friendship can be very bittersweet. Not only do you realize how much they TRULY know you as a person and appreciate that, you sadly hear things that shouldnt be shared between people that once dated…i.e. The story about how he cheated on his girlfriend of two years with a stripper…more than once…and didn’t feel bad about it. That sir, makes you a douche bag. Situations like these make me question people’s integrity, which is never a good thing IMO. Atleast it solidifies in my mind that the situation will NEVER transition to anything more than friends EVER again…thank you for the heads up…

The “Bestie” (with no testies) is the person who you would entrust your first born child to, the person who you would donate a kidney too, the person who you would get THEIR face tattoed on YOUR face…okay maybe not. But the key to this is that they are FEMALE (or the same sex if your not a female). I hear females say all the time, ” I don’t have any really close female friends” or ” I dont trust females so all my close friends are male”….thats ignorant.#growthehayleup… I believe its essential for growth as an adult that a person be able to form a close bond with someone of the same sex, that isnt related to them. I am definitely fortunate enough to be able to have a male AND female bestfriend…but I can also honestly say that there are some things that you can do and say with the same sex friend that you can’t with the opposite sex one…thats life.

The “Friend with Perks” is the person that you can sit and watch a basketball game with and then “get a massage” afterwards. This friendship is the most delicate because someone is bound to catch feelings eventually. It’s only natural. Believe it or not, it’s usually the man that catches feelings the hardest in situations like this. Communication is always key though. So just communicate CLEARLY that you are cool enough to swap fluids….just not THAT cool.

The “Happy” Friend is an absolutely essential friend in so many ways its ridiculous.. Some of the BEST advice I have ever recieved came from two of my closest homosexual male friends. Not only was it honest and uncensored, but VERY real. I admire a person who is comfortable being them…with no filler. (No pun) They always gave me excellent advice on what type of clothes accentuate my shape the best and how I could “please” my SigOther in ways I  never would’ve otherwise thought of on my own (ackward much?). I have also found that my homosexual friends in particular will be the absolute LAST friend to ever judge the things you do or say..I guess being judged constantly allows people to make it the first thing to put on the list of things NOT to do. #Takingnotes?

The Seasonal Friend is someone who floats in and out of your life every couple of months and has no real significance…at all. They are similar to a “frenemy” in that the only REAL reason for communication is usually one or more mutual friends or to find out what your doing in your life. These people may call you to go to out to a club with them…and then ignore your calls for the next 6 months. I also refer to these people as “circle hoppers”…just trying to get in where they best see fit with no REAL bond with anyone. See, I didnt even have much to say about them…thats JUST how unimportant they are.

The Facebook Friend– just that. They just help you kill time… If you THOUGHT we were BFF’s go #killyoself.

The Gossip Fountain is the absolute worst friend to have, but everyone has one or more in their life. It’s kind of like watching a car crash..you want to walk away, but something inside of you as a human wants to be a hero and save someone. Want to know who’s pregnant? They do. Want to know who can’t pay their bills? They do. Want to know who got cheated on? Yep, you guessed it. I was told by my father when I was younger that the people who gossip TO you, will eventually gossip ABOUT you. They smile in people’s faces and get in people’s business for the sole purpose of talking about it to everyone that will listen. These people usually have some of the greatest qualities, which is probably why anyone even associates with them at all. But they can NEVER be trusted, every word must be watched out of fear of the info getting into the wrong hands…or ALL hands for that matter. I have just learned that when talking with GF (gossip fountain) you just have to make sure you treat the conversation like you are talking to an audience…because you are. It’s always funny hearing them speak because it oozes with “I’m extremely insecure and have excessively low self-esteem, so I make myself feel better by announcing and discussing in depth all the flaws in other people’s lives…and then smile in their faces like i’m not.” A cold shower and extensive therapy would probably clear that up pretty quickly….”If you’re going to have two faces atleast make one of them pretty.”

– Written by: Ms. If-I-cared-about-your-feelings-I-wouldn’t- Blog-Wade

Did I miss any type of friends? Are you a REAL friend? Do people still value friendships? Is there ever really a standard for someone you consider a friend??

Something To Ponder…

> …”Everything that irritates us about others, can lead us to an understanding of ourselves”…

> “It is just as cowardly to judge an absent person as it is wicked to strike a defenseless one. Only the ignorant and narrow-minded gossip, for they speak of persons instead of things.”

….I was going to write a post about how simple-minded and ignorant some people can be about small situations…and about how sometimes people answer their own questions about things that happen to and around them. But i decided against it, because  i really can’t force people to look at themselves in the mirror if they aren’t ready too…all I can do is smile and be the best person I can be and let irrelevant matters fall to the side. …Because…”When the ‘ish hits the fan, everything I’m not made me everything I am.”

I’m careful with my words, unlike some who only speak because they have a mouth to do so….