Black Girl Rant #6: Like Crabs In A Bucket..

..some would rather kill themselves trying to keep others down, rather than to use that same effort to try to claw to the top with them. A shame.

I was just recently talking to a guy that I had met about 2 years ago. Of course the situation started out great, we just meshed. Or so it seemed. He turned out to be the most draining, needy, and manipulative individual I had ever met in my life. The crazy thing about the situation though was that I just couldn’t seem to leave him alone. He was such a parasite, and I knew it, but I just couldn’t pull myself away from the situation. I couldn’t let it go until finally he said to me over the phone…

I do just enough to keep you around. You’re a really good girl, but you know I ain’t ready to be in a relationship right now…I know I’m fucked up, but I don’t want you to go and find someone else…

o_O    really ninja?

That’s what’s hot in the streets?

Not only did this ignorant ass negroe not want to commit to me, he also was full of sh!t and knew it, AND he didn’t want me to meet someone a real man who would treat me right. Some people have the audacity to believe that their own emotional baggage is more important than anything else in their life, and is important to others as well. He made me laugh that day, and everyday after that. I promptly erased his number and suggested that he never call me again. Not in those words, but you get the point.  No one is ever worth giving up your happiness, you should never give anyone the power to pull you down to their negative level. It took me awhile to realize certain things, but I’m glad I eventually learned. Misery loves company….and when it knocks, I try not to be home.

Doing Too Muckin Fuch…

If you aren’t married…WHAT exactly is it that you are doing? That ’tis the question..“Are you doing the MOST?”

I talk to different people on a daily basis, some with different outlooks on life about things that I had never really given much thought before. I try to tell people of my age group to listen closely to older people who try to give advice, because in the end they are almost ALWAYS right in what they say. Odd as it may sound, I DON’T know everything, and yes, maybe….just maybe I dont think as deep in some situations as I should. Relationships for example, I may THINK I know what it is, I may THINK I know how it works, but in my twenty-something years of life: I DON’T. I was sent an email from one of my co workers of a video he saw on youtube..I know, some of you may be rolling your eyes and sucking your teeth, but this crazy unique guy Lewis H Williams III (google him!), had more than a few good points about being in a relationship…or lack thereof. Are you doing the MOST?? Peep the video:

..if you didn’t get a chance to watch it, I can sum up his point for you :

If you’re not married….YOU ARE SINGLE!

               His video made me think about my approach with the opposite species on a WHOLE ‘NOTHA LEVEL…Now, don’t get me wrong I have standards and I always try to think about the intentions of a situation before I waste invest time into it. But this video made what I had been trying to tell my peers for years CRYSTAL effin CLEAR: IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED, YOU ARE SINGLE. point blank..period. My generation puts so much effort and energy into the situations that have absolutely NO foundation and are as thin as the piece of paper they use to wipe their poo poo’s with. I couldn’t imagine being over the age of 18 and investing time and energy into a man for 2, 3, or even 4 years with no talks of marriage…no ring…nothing but words. Shacking up? Sharing bills? Playing the claim game? NOT SO MUCH. Now don’t get me wrong, I have a child with a man that I was never married too..we lived together, shared bills…but I have learned from that situation and have chosen to expect alot more from those I associate with, so as not to end up in the same situation again. (Did I mention I wasn’t perfect?) But I know people who will swear up and down they love the person they are living with, but when you ask them when they plan to marry said person that look like someone stuffed their mouth with a rotten pickle. In Lewis’ video the point that made the most sense to me was “casually dating” someone for three months and if the situation isn’t progressing..MOVE ON!. People my age are quick to put their lives on hold for a boyfriend/girlfriend…when in my honest opinion if that person were THAT important they would be married…or atleast planning it in the very near future, otherwise what are you doing???

I am not here to profess that my path is the perfect one, far from it. I am just here to let people mainly women know that if you are settling for crap you are bound to become just that…POO! People, if you’re not married to it…It’s not yours! You can’t claim your Boyfriend/Girlfriend on your taxes. You can’t move in with someone and live with them for years at time and expect for them to wake up one day and decide to marry you. (Unless you’re that one in million :thank you Aaliyah:) If your significant other cheats on you can you get mad? Of course. Do you have reason to? NOPE. Just break-up…after all…your not married.

Any thoughts on this topics? Does ANYONE agree with the fact that GOD only honors marriages? Is it pointless to be in a relationship for years without growth? Am I thinking to out-of-the-box?

League of “UN-extraordinary” Gentlemen

                                                                    “No bueno.”

             We are quickly approaching a New Year, 2010 is upon us. Thankfully, with a New Year brings new beginnings, new visions, new ways of thinking. I am not one to stand on a soap-box, declaring ALL men evil and undatable…but damn, in the DC area it’s almost impossible to find a “decent” man to call your own. “Decent” meaning not gay, involved seriously with someone, or without excessive baggage. These are hard times man..we are in a damn recession, so people need to buckle down and not waste time on these unnecessary leeches of time and energy. These men I have labeled…dun dun dun…The League of UN-extraordinary Gentlemen.

             These men are everywhere you are, sitting next to you in class, at the grocery store, or you may even be friends with them on Facebook, Twitter, or some other form of social crack media. I have had the personal disadvantage of being involved in some way with one or more of these characters, but fortunately I have the common sense to know how to not repeat my mistakes..(Thank you mom for the common sense lessons!) ..Whatever the case may be we as women need to know the signs to avoid and the nasty leeches to detach from permanently before they drain us of our youth and beauty. All need to be avoided like the plague, and some banished from society until further notice…do not pass go and DO NOT collect 200 dollars…

“Mr. Rebound”- This guy is anxoius to get over the ex that did him wrong. Prove a point. Settle a grudge. Whatever the case may be,  these particular men multiply like gremlins in this area. So anxoius to “dive deep” into another situation with a different female, they arent able to witness the weight of their own baggage. A female can usually notice a few key red flags within the first couple of weeks of going out with this guy. He may constantly make a point to detail all of the flaws his ex may have had, claiming that those were all the things he despised. Or he may be the weirdo that subconsciously describes all the things that you do that reminds him of her…In either case ditch this dodo bird. He is not worth the time or energy due to the fact that he is not over her, this situation is destined to no-where-fast-ville very quickly. THERE ARE SNAKES ON THIS PLANE!! 

“Mr. Afraid of Growing Up Committment” – In my opinion these men deserve the least amount of respect. Atleast the other men can get a mini pass due to the fact that their ignorance and lack of common sense is clouding their judgement. But this ninja right here is KNOWINGLY doing things to sabotage a situation, or lack thereof. SMH. This guy will do all the things a boyfriend would do and more, but will NEVER put a label on it out of “fear”. He will take the female out on dates, has deep conversations about life, even goes so far as being totally exclusive to said female. But mention the thought of a relationship and they lose it under the pressure like Tiger Woods behind the wheel of his SUV on the night he “dropped the ball”. I crack myself up.  But all jokes aside, I personally feel as though no one is afraid of committment, thats bull. This man is just a control freak, a control freak that wants someone else to be vulnerable and powerless while they manipulate the situation to their benefit. I.E, childish. This is a horrible cycle to break..boy meets girl, boy “acts” like a boyfriend to girl, girl falls for boy, boy backs away, girl stops investing time and loses respect for guy, guy feels threatened, and meets another girl to fall into the same cycle all over. The point to all of this is to run quickly from these guys..they need time to sit in a corner to wait until their balls drop a little more to take risks and learn lessons in life. Just sayin. You can’t take over the world Pinky, GET OVER IT.

“Mr. GQ” – This is the guy that feels like his brand new 2010 model Lexus, and condo in the city entitles him to any female he wants. Negative. They lack a grasp on reality, he is definitely “tricking cause he got it”. As attractive as these men may be and successful as he may seem, more than likely these are the ones that are the most insecure and are trying to feel a serious void. On top of that, he probably adores the attention females give him for all of his  material possesions, thus giving a reason not to commit. You may notice that he is constantly bragging about all of his irrelevant possessions, and more than likely has no real personality or depth. These guys try so hard to prove how much they can spend and what they have, that they dont realize that a conversation with them is like talking to your OBGYN during a regular exam. UGGGHH…what a waste.

“Mr. Disappearing Act”- I have never personally been in this situation but I have had conversations with females that have. How and why this occurs I may never know or care. But these guys are the ones who will go months without calling, texting, or even emailing..and then out of the blue will suddenly call wanting to “chill”. Where-they-do-that-at? Definitely not over here..thats ridiculous. Our generation has absolutely no couth or purpose sometimes. I jokingly told my friend that maybe the guy got kidnapped and was fighting for his life on some deserted island for months and that maybe  she was the first person he wanted to see when he swam to freedom. She didnt laugh.  #Kanyeshrug

“Mr. Last Year”- This situation is possibly due to some glitch in the matrix, and needs to be corrected ASAP. This is the ex that USE to be good and for some reason the situation ended. But over and over again he keeps coming back into the picture. Usually he hasn’t accepted the fact that you have let go, and due to the extreme comfortability of the situation you allow him to stay around. The situation is a recipe for disaster for all parties involved. Recycling men due to weakness is a no-go for 2010… Do like Whitney Houston did, just let it all go.

Are there any other men that need to be avoided like the plague? I’m sure women fall into these categories also, so men did I miss anything? Are there hybrids to these labels?

And you say he’s just a friend..

This is a really well written and informative article I ran across at clugmagonline.com. I never pass up the opportunity to retain knowledge and wisdom from outside sources, it helps. I encourage everyone reading this to grasp the jewels needed for life. 

Enjoy:

And You Say He’s Just A Friend

Monday Nov 23, 2009 – By Alaina L. Lewis

Love used to start out with the same ole scenario that carefully played out over the harmonious chirps of a blue bird fluttering high in the clear blue sky. Boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, boy and girl hit it off, then boy breaks out the knee pads and pops the question. Err– maybe back in 1983.

It’s 2009 Ladies. It seems like you can barely get a man to pick his chin up off the floor after he’s made a mistake so I wouldn’t be one to assume he’s “gentleman” enough to stoop down to make any statement of importance. Unless by chance they’re playing Get Low in a local nightclub and he’s the type who is constantly victimized by the rhythm and the beat. (See Dave Chappelle’s White People Dancing).

Face it, we’re living in the modern era, when the ideas and practices of yesteryear are about as old school as waiting until marriage to swap more than spit or exchange front door keys.

So as love changes and the normal rules become a hesitant action, so do the channels we must go through to find a mate who’s ready to comply with our virtuous plan.

So what happens when you actually meet that man of your dreams and you’re unsure of his agenda or confused about his long-term intentions when considering his rules of the game? Is he all about booty calls, temporary love affairs, open-ended relationships, short-term thrills and chills, or is there anyone out here that still believes in playing for keeps?

(Of course… and please give them my number if you come across one. Thank you.)

But seriously, the one thing I will say for certain that goes without a doubt when discerning whether your potential Prince is worth more than the 5 minutes he invests in the bedroom after splitting the cost of theater popcorn or the tab at your favorite restaurant, is that the words he sows, are about as matter of fact as the statements he’s not making pertaining to his participation in the “real-lationship.”

If a man says he’s just a “friend” and is not looking for anything more at the present moment, then the only thing you need to question is why you’re assuming that you can change his perspective, if that’s your mission at the present time.

For some reason many of us look at the “friend” barrier like climbing the wall during basic training: a small challenge that will lead to a victorious outcome. We take the statement lightly, canoodle ’til our hearts desire, live for the moment and dare to cross those physical boundaries, all the while being met by a mutual response from a man who’d never turn down candy for a carrot.

Needless to say, we find ours hearts latching on to their actions and begin to believe the hype associated with any clever opportunist, which is what they are, while pretending as if his “friend” statement was just a defense against hurt. Remember, no man is dumb enough to pass on what you’re willing to hand out freely when knowing his position to remain uncommitted from the very beginning.

I don’t care how good your nookie is or if you can burn a mean casserole, while simultaneously flushing a car engine, and juggling tree (three) jobs like your Jamaican neighbor. When going on that quest to make a man eat his words and rush to love, you’d probably have better luck finding the lost city of Atlantis.

No matter how many times you try to impress your “friend” with your caring heart, or argue your point in a heated debate about taking the friendship to the next level, the only person who stands to get hurt is the one who has the expectations apart from the initial understanding.

Side stepping on that truth is what has us pissed off when we see our wannabe Romeo arm and arm with another chick in a sailor suit threatening to rock the boat we swore we had anchored at our dock.

Even worse, don’t be surprised if you were hanging on for years and he up and marries a woman he just met a couple months ago, who as the saying goes, is “everything you’re not” to him or just somehow made an impression in an hour that you had spent months trying imprint on him.

Whether a man means what he says or is just playing hard to get, the only thing that can come from taking a risk like dating a “friend” is the ladder of potential hurt that stems from assuming it’s all in the bag when we’re figuring that we’ve got the “stuff” that he needs to make him change his heart on the situation.

Remember, men usually know what they want and rarely pass on their desires to let someone else have a chance at their target. PREACH! Men know exactly what it is they want, if a man sees you as a “diamond” and believes everything about you is beautiful….why would he want to keep you on the market for other men to have the opportunity to see your beauty? With no title people are still available to search for other options. Don’t assume and prolong a deadend situation.

Don’t give the obligation you have to your heart to someone who doesn’t want to be in your heart or protect it from pain.

When they say they’re not interested in a relationship they’re letting you know that either they’re not ready for love, or you’re not the love they’re ready for or interested in. Either way, hope for the best..and prepare for the worst.

It’s not our duty to wait on them. It’s our right to be chosen. So if he says he’s just a friend, then it is your job to protect your feelings and keep it that way.

Congratulations…YOU suck!

“awwww…black love infactuation”

SO, maybe im not the easiest person to get along with. Or maybe my attitude ISNT at its best 24/7. Eh, maybe I CAN be a little rude and abbrasive to people when its not warranted. But, aside from all of those things i’ve learned alot from being single black female. IT SUCKS. Now, dont get me wrong, i’m not one of those females who falls into relationships to avoid being single. And lord KNOWs i’m definitely not one to thrive on male attention, or be bitter about past experiences that i’ve gone through with men. No bag lady am I. NOPE.  Behind all of the razor wire and cement lies a huge heart…AWW shut the hell up. And recently I have found someone to make me smile. Not smile like “aww he’s cute”, but really smile because i’m happy. deeply happy….”lol smiley face”. It may sound corny, but not alot of men these days are actual men gentlemen, and even more are in fear of communication. But miraculously I have found those things in this one person and then some. Maybe its a little early to say it will stay this way…but WHATEVS, i’m feeling good about it for now. But the point of this post is DEFINITELY not to gas his head up, but rather to explain some things i’ve learned about myself while going through this whole process of finding someone that makes me smile. He’s slowly melting my heart…Congratulations, YOU SUCK!

#1: Don’t stand in your own way.

Nothing is worse than seeing a female who will do anything to get a mans attention. Sleeping with a guy will definitely NOT make him walk away after humping a late night with you thinking “damn homie, i need to wife her RIGHT NOW!”. Chances are he is thinking the total opposite. Some females should just master being and loving themselves, because in the history of man real has ALWAYS recognized real. ALWAYS. Also, some people should be more optimistic in their lifestyles. Who wants to be with someone who is depressed and miserable all the damn time. I know I don’t, that ish is NOT whats hot in the streets. So please people, step out of the way of yourselves. Let someone break those walls of china down. ASAP.

#2: First impressions ARE important.

Think before you speak. Check your actions. Brush your teeth regularly. Iron your damn clothes! Although these things may sound very obvious, you would be so suprised at the number of people I know who dont know/do this. Whatever the occasion, always be prepared. As sad it may seem people judge you within the first 5 minutes of meeting you. How you carry yourself will make a huge impact on how people deal with you. Some people kill me thinking that they can fake and pretend their way into someone liking their personality. Fakeness has the stench of a effin skunk, so before you open your mouth with ish just make sure you brush your teeth afterwards. I commend a man who can be blatantly honest with me about things while still showing compassion (wink wink). It must be a learned skill..lol

#3: Don’t ignore the RED FLAGS!

If a man tells you he doesn’t want a girlfriend, and you know deep down you are looking for a relationship…RUN!

If a man tells you he has a crazy ex, and he can’t leave her alone because of X-Y-Z…RUN!

If he treats his momma like poo…RUN!

If he only calls you between the hours of 10pm-7am to come watch a “movie”…RUN!

Your intuition screams at you when something isn’t right, and more often than not if it doesnt sound/look/feel right it usually isn’t. So drop him like diddy’s pant..Just sayin.

#4: Keep your standards realistic.

Self-explanatory. You can’t walk into a luxury dealership with Hundai money and expect to walk out with a top of the line Bugatti. By no means am I saying settle for anyone with good D looks, I’m just stating that you can only ask for what you are giving. I’ve had so many conversations with females who will only want to date guys with degrees, nice cars, own place, no kids…BUT they stay with big mama, take the bus, and have 3 kids. CAH-RAZY. Enough said.

#5: NO ONE is perfect.

No man/woman is perfect. It’s just a matching game of which personalities fit together the best. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has a past. Judging based on instances that occured before the person met you is so elementary. I live by the mantra “I am perfectly, imperfect”. So either like them or leave them alone. No one is a magical wizard, you CAN NOT change anyone but yourself. Take heed.

Anymore advice for those coping with single life? Did I miss any key elements of mastering the dating game? Does anyone agree with my key points? Is it different for men and women?

To put a ring on it…OR NOT?

 

Put a ring on it??  Eh, NUUH.  (think my wife and kids)

And, thats how I feel about it…straight like that. I’ve had many conversations with males and females alike who either think im the perfect anamoly, or think i’m a crazed maniac. Either way it doesnt matter, i’m me and my views are still valid. If you’re reading this i’m quite sure you seem to think so too. Now, when I say no ring on it, I definitely dont mean I dont ever want to get married ugggh. I am simply stating my disdain for the need of an engagement ring IN ADDITION to a wedding ring. FOOLISHNESS. I’m not cheap by any stretch of the earth, and i’m all for the advocacy of the sentimental value of things people give to prove their love. But, where was it EVER written that an engagement ring was necessary IN ADDITION to a wedding ring in order to solidify a bond between two people? I’ll wait. YEA, exactly. NOWHERE. I have two main reasons for the route of my thinking, they may not be exactly agreeable but just here me out….

#1: Why buy me an engagement ring when i’m expecting a wedding ring anyway?!

Ummm, we’re in recession. People are getting laid off like crazy. Houses are getting foreclosed on left and durn right. If I am in a committed serious relationship with my significant other and we love eachother, its implied that marriage is a fast approaching train. I dont just mean the “oooh girl he loves me” or the “we got a kid” type of implied. SMH. I mean implied as in  he sits down and explains that the rest of his existence wants to be spent with muah. Thats enough for me. It doesnt take much to keep me happy, and a diamond I can wear on my left ring finger to proudly call him my fiance wont change that for me. What the heck is a fiance ANYWAY? I could’ve sworn we were in america and not france. PERSONALLY. If he asked me if I wanted an engagement ring, I would politely say “Nah, boo I dont need that”. Now come here and let me show you how I feel about you 🙂 Why you ask? well, because…

#2 There are SO many other things to spend that money on!

..Like a down payment on our future home. Or put it into a savings account. Or maybe a down payment on our MY future vehicle.  OOOORRR it could even go towards my WEDDING ring. DUH. Or even the dream wedding I’ve always envisioned for that matter. But for someone to spend money on an engagement ring and then turn around and spend money on a wedding ring AND a wedding, thats fratarded…YEA, I said it. FRATARDED. Unless i’m in a relationship with someone who’s income supports and nurtures all that with out being in debt which I highly doubt then why go through all that? Do something that can benefit BOTH of us, and THEN I will happily recieve my wedding ring on my wedding day. I dont need to impress my friends with a token of your love, or be able to introduce you as my fiance. When its all said and done, they dont have an “engaged” line when you file your taxes.    nah N!GGA you are considered..SINGLE! I’m just sayin.You can put a ring on it, after I walk down the aisle.#kanyeshrug

How do you feel about this? Do all ladies feel the same as me? Or are engagement rings a necessity? Men, do you agree? Or do you want to do the traditional thing and buy a ring?

Somebody had to say it..

I have a couple of things to rant about today. Geezus, so much has been going on in this rollercoaster of a life of mine. People coming and going out of craziness, all this crazy ish in the media, the people I meet…..:sigh: But although I see so much, I try so hard to keep my compusure and remain professional at all times, because in reality I am in no position to judge ANYONE. :cough:bullshint:cough: But urrrummm yea..and heeeerrre we go:

Insecure Men/Women-

Why, oh why did someone appoint me the official magnet of wackdom? I mean damn, is there a sticky note on my back attracting all those deemed unworthy of confidence?? I always feel like the wackest men try to date , and the wackest women often hate. Now by wack I mean insecure, and by insecure I mean need to stay-at-home-on-the-couch-sitting-indian-style-watching-bambi-while-eating-popcorn type issues. The issues that make you want to slap them until they black out. YES. I mean really, I personally feel I am too damn old for a guy to be worried about what I’m doing when I’m not in his presence. Not everyone cheats, and if a guy doesnt trust  females based on past experiences, he may need to let his  balls guard drop enough to realize the world is NOT, I repeat, is NOT against him..just me. :jay-z-on to the next one: Females, :sigh:.. its become a trend for females to constantly pick apart a fellow female they see in the club, mall, gas station, eh..even church. Does it make you look anymore attractive than what you did before you talked ish? NOT so much. Does it really matter that her jeans are too tight and she can hardly breathe? NOPE. Does it affect you that she’s wearing a lace front hat wig that talks to you when u look at it too hard cough:beyonce:cough:? NOPE. My point exactly. GROW UP.

Rihanna vs. Chris Brown aka WWIII-

Yes, I watched the damn 20/20 interview. Yes, it further made me realize how much I dislike her. And YES I will STILL buy Graffiti when it comes out in Dec. I’m just gonna keep this short and sweet. FIRST OF ALL, the whole fight that night occured over a TEXT MESSAGE! ..SMH..Which further proves my insecure male/female argument above. i.e grown up! SECOND, I absolutely agree that Chris Brown was 100% wrong for beating that girl the way he did. But like my father told me growing up: you give a lick, you take a lick- and by lick I mean hit (pause) So, if she felt froggy enough to jump up, she got taught a VERY valuable lesson that night….(just sayin)

:drops the mic, and walks away slowly with my middle finger in the air:

Sammy Sosa-

SMH. When Martin Luther King said for all black and white people to come together as one, he definitely didn’t mean in the same body Sammy.No effin words.

Invented Sex Video- Trey Songs aka yes-I-would-anyday-of-the-week!

I would first like to say that I was formerly a bordering Trey Songs fan, due to the fact that he changed alot from when he first came on the scene. But this video…”this ish right heeeere n!gga”….MAN! I commend him as an artist, because he sings beautifully. But I swear I cant watch it more than once in a week. Enough said, I need a cold shower.

SN: the lesson for the day is – 1. Grow up! 2. keep your hands to yourself. 3. BLACK is beautiful 4. Yes, I did. Go ahead, admit it…lol