Where has the time gone?

So, my younger brother is now 17…I know, I know…no big deal right? Wrong. My YOUNGER brother is 17! With a mustache, and a license, and a girlfriend, and a blackberry. WTF.

So let me explain what this means for me:

I’M GETTING OLD (er).

Now, I’m not even remotely the type to stress myself over irrelevant things like age or weight…but this is just a more blatant realization of where I am and how long it has taken me to get to this point. It seems like I myself was just 17, graduating, and excited about college. Now I’m a mom, IT professional, and almighty payer of bills. I vividly remember waiting for my little brother to come home from the hospital, angrily. Yes, I was pissed. I was so used to being an only child, and having my parents TO MYSELF. But as time flew by I now see clearly that my brother has grown to be someone I can trust, and respect, and my bestfriend….

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Yes, I’m okay…I’m just going “natural”. DAMN.

            NO, I’m not dying, I’m not losing a limb, I’m not trying to reinvent myself, no need for dramatics. Damn, I’m simply growing out my hair relaxer. Its healthier this way, and I’m basically trying to save myself from hair loss, scalp irratation,  thinning, and breakage  in the future. Thats it. Period. It wasnt some big huge life changing milestone to symbolize me “shedding” XYZ in order to accomplish ABC. Absolutely not. Although it is very important for people in my generation to occasionally step back from their currrent life situations in order to reflect and grow, thats NOT what I’m doing with this. Sorry if I disappointed you. Womp Womp Womp….pick your face up!

The real reasons for me deciding to “go natural” was a combination of little things, nothing major or catastrophic…just little things that make you go..Why not? It amazes me how people can plan for their future’s, save every dime delingently in their perfectly calculated accounts, wear the best clothes….but can’t take care of their hair! That is among one of the first things people see when they view you..face, hair,teeth, hands…in that order. Which leads to reason number…

37.) I don’t want to be 30 with my hairline touching my back, and a “touch” of hair on my head! Nothing is worse than seeing a female thinking she is the flyest alive with her long luscious permed hair…that is horribly damaged, and her hairline looks like Tyra Banks’. #FAIL. This is a situation where “Quality over Quantity” needs to preached. I was always told that long hair isn’t necessarily that cute if it doesnt look taken care of. After talking with a fellow battle buddy, I sat and thought about the chances of my relaxed hair growing down my back versus if I were to just let the perm grow out and let my natural hair grow strong and healthy. Natural hair won that that war…

38.) Lookin at pictures of myself during childhood with long natural hair that could withstand a turbulent war. As a child, my mom wouldn’t allow me to get a perm put into my hair until alot later than most of classmates. Hot combs, moisturizers, and dooky braids were all I knew and all else was not an option unless I wanted a slap from the hairbrush in the head. As I got older and was able to put relaxers in my own hair as often as I wanted, and I began to notice that even though my hair may have “looked” shiny and healthy, in all actuality it took what seemed like a million years to grow. Sometimes it matters not the looks of things, but the STATE in WHICH it grows that matters more. #GoDeep ..literally… 

39.) Why not? I’m kind of curious to see what my natural hair would look like, and there are already some styles that I’m anxious to try once my hair grows to a certain length. Some ignorant people have this notion that  because I’m deciding to go natural, that it automatically means that I’m getting dreads…uh no. I just want to go natural. I read on a blog while searching for homemade moisturizers some interesting information:

After a while you develop hair breakage (from using hair relaxer, or other harsh methods of treatment)–>You use a product, to fix the problem. (toxic conditioners..with chemicals)–>That product in turn has its own damaging side effect. So you use another product to fix that problem. ( “Hair Repair Treatments”…with chemicals)–>Which leads to damage, or a side effect in another area. So you use another product to fix that problem. Etc, etc, etc.

So, as a whole, I just decided to just cut out THAT WHOLE process and grow healthier hair. Simple enough right? Not so much…the new growth is torturing me, but I MUST fight the urge to get the end result. Atleast I’ll have a happy ending…#Thatswhatshesaid. HA!

Wish me luck…I’m sure you will be hearing more about it. Happy trails.

Is anyone else out there “transitioning” from relaxed to natural? Any remedies? Any stories of hope???

Woman in the Mirror…#2

“He that conceals his grief, finds no remedy for it.

Dante P.,

         It’s almost been a year, and it still feels like Feb.4th was just yesterday. I can still smell your cologne sometimes when I walk through my apartment door after work. Somedays it makes me smile, sometimes it brings to me to my knees in pain. I just erased your phone number from my phone 3 months ago, because I feared that if you texted me I wouldn’t recognize the number. I saved all your text messages so that I could think and cry about all the things we would talk about. If I sit and try I can make myself remember everything verbatim, because in some weird way my worst fear is forgetting anything at all about you. When I first came to the realization that you were gone, it was hard for me to find happiness in anything. I didn’t want to smile. I didn’t want to eat. I did that because I thought that was how you would want it, I thought it would be easier that way. It wasn’t, and now I know you would say “Man, don’t worry about me Chula…I’m good.”

It took me a while to find some sort of closure, I’m writing this letter to you just so you can see that I’m growing. To show you that I DO value the lessons you taught me, and how to control my emotions and feelings to do good and spread it as far as I can. I never had the chance to let you know that how you would tell me you felt for me, I felt the same way. My pride wouldn’t let me admit to you that I had fallen hard. But you being gone has let me know that my pride don’t mean shit when I can’t say those words to you in this lifetime. You were there for me at my lowest point in my life, when no one else..friends or family were there. I constantly feel like I let you down. I wish I would have listened to your cries for help when you would tell me that you were drunk at 8 in the morning. Or when you would want to come to my house just to watch TV for hours with me and Devin. At the time, I thought you were just doing that because you were bored and needed a warm body near you. You weren’t..you were crying out for someone to care. I did..and still do. I treasure those memories with my life, and no one can EVER take those away from me. 

I still wish our last conversation was on good terms. I wish I hadn’t let you leave my house angry and mad at me. I wish when you told me to “value my friendships, bridges burned are hard to repair” I wouldv’e listened. I can’t. It kills me everday that you left this earth with ill feelings of me in your mind and heart. It burns me up that my ego wouldn’t let me admit that you were right, and just to let it go. I’m crying like a baby while typing this. My heart has been heavy for so long, and this is my way of finally letting you know I’m letting the hurt go…finally. For months you would be the first thing I thought of when I woke up, and my last thought before I went to sleep. I was left staring at old pictures and saying the things I wish I would’ve said when you were here. I learned in this last year since you’ve been gone, that you were wise above your years…and hurting so deeply inside. You have taught me the greatest lesson in life. ….I don’t just want you to rest in peace, but to also rest in my heart.

Dante Alexander Paire- Aug.7.1986-Feb.4.2009 

Doing Too Muckin Fuch…

If you aren’t married…WHAT exactly is it that you are doing? That ’tis the question..“Are you doing the MOST?”

I talk to different people on a daily basis, some with different outlooks on life about things that I had never really given much thought before. I try to tell people of my age group to listen closely to older people who try to give advice, because in the end they are almost ALWAYS right in what they say. Odd as it may sound, I DON’T know everything, and yes, maybe….just maybe I dont think as deep in some situations as I should. Relationships for example, I may THINK I know what it is, I may THINK I know how it works, but in my twenty-something years of life: I DON’T. I was sent an email from one of my co workers of a video he saw on youtube..I know, some of you may be rolling your eyes and sucking your teeth, but this crazy unique guy Lewis H Williams III (google him!), had more than a few good points about being in a relationship…or lack thereof. Are you doing the MOST?? Peep the video:

..if you didn’t get a chance to watch it, I can sum up his point for you :

If you’re not married….YOU ARE SINGLE!

               His video made me think about my approach with the opposite species on a WHOLE ‘NOTHA LEVEL…Now, don’t get me wrong I have standards and I always try to think about the intentions of a situation before I waste invest time into it. But this video made what I had been trying to tell my peers for years CRYSTAL effin CLEAR: IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED, YOU ARE SINGLE. point blank..period. My generation puts so much effort and energy into the situations that have absolutely NO foundation and are as thin as the piece of paper they use to wipe their poo poo’s with. I couldn’t imagine being over the age of 18 and investing time and energy into a man for 2, 3, or even 4 years with no talks of marriage…no ring…nothing but words. Shacking up? Sharing bills? Playing the claim game? NOT SO MUCH. Now don’t get me wrong, I have a child with a man that I was never married too..we lived together, shared bills…but I have learned from that situation and have chosen to expect alot more from those I associate with, so as not to end up in the same situation again. (Did I mention I wasn’t perfect?) But I know people who will swear up and down they love the person they are living with, but when you ask them when they plan to marry said person that look like someone stuffed their mouth with a rotten pickle. In Lewis’ video the point that made the most sense to me was “casually dating” someone for three months and if the situation isn’t progressing..MOVE ON!. People my age are quick to put their lives on hold for a boyfriend/girlfriend…when in my honest opinion if that person were THAT important they would be married…or atleast planning it in the very near future, otherwise what are you doing???

I am not here to profess that my path is the perfect one, far from it. I am just here to let people mainly women know that if you are settling for crap you are bound to become just that…POO! People, if you’re not married to it…It’s not yours! You can’t claim your Boyfriend/Girlfriend on your taxes. You can’t move in with someone and live with them for years at time and expect for them to wake up one day and decide to marry you. (Unless you’re that one in million :thank you Aaliyah:) If your significant other cheats on you can you get mad? Of course. Do you have reason to? NOPE. Just break-up…after all…your not married.

Any thoughts on this topics? Does ANYONE agree with the fact that GOD only honors marriages? Is it pointless to be in a relationship for years without growth? Am I thinking to out-of-the-box?

League of “UN-extraordinary” Gentlemen

                                                                    “No bueno.”

             We are quickly approaching a New Year, 2010 is upon us. Thankfully, with a New Year brings new beginnings, new visions, new ways of thinking. I am not one to stand on a soap-box, declaring ALL men evil and undatable…but damn, in the DC area it’s almost impossible to find a “decent” man to call your own. “Decent” meaning not gay, involved seriously with someone, or without excessive baggage. These are hard times man..we are in a damn recession, so people need to buckle down and not waste time on these unnecessary leeches of time and energy. These men I have labeled…dun dun dun…The League of UN-extraordinary Gentlemen.

             These men are everywhere you are, sitting next to you in class, at the grocery store, or you may even be friends with them on Facebook, Twitter, or some other form of social crack media. I have had the personal disadvantage of being involved in some way with one or more of these characters, but fortunately I have the common sense to know how to not repeat my mistakes..(Thank you mom for the common sense lessons!) ..Whatever the case may be we as women need to know the signs to avoid and the nasty leeches to detach from permanently before they drain us of our youth and beauty. All need to be avoided like the plague, and some banished from society until further notice…do not pass go and DO NOT collect 200 dollars…

“Mr. Rebound”- This guy is anxoius to get over the ex that did him wrong. Prove a point. Settle a grudge. Whatever the case may be,  these particular men multiply like gremlins in this area. So anxoius to “dive deep” into another situation with a different female, they arent able to witness the weight of their own baggage. A female can usually notice a few key red flags within the first couple of weeks of going out with this guy. He may constantly make a point to detail all of the flaws his ex may have had, claiming that those were all the things he despised. Or he may be the weirdo that subconsciously describes all the things that you do that reminds him of her…In either case ditch this dodo bird. He is not worth the time or energy due to the fact that he is not over her, this situation is destined to no-where-fast-ville very quickly. THERE ARE SNAKES ON THIS PLANE!! 

“Mr. Afraid of Growing Up Committment” – In my opinion these men deserve the least amount of respect. Atleast the other men can get a mini pass due to the fact that their ignorance and lack of common sense is clouding their judgement. But this ninja right here is KNOWINGLY doing things to sabotage a situation, or lack thereof. SMH. This guy will do all the things a boyfriend would do and more, but will NEVER put a label on it out of “fear”. He will take the female out on dates, has deep conversations about life, even goes so far as being totally exclusive to said female. But mention the thought of a relationship and they lose it under the pressure like Tiger Woods behind the wheel of his SUV on the night he “dropped the ball”. I crack myself up.  But all jokes aside, I personally feel as though no one is afraid of committment, thats bull. This man is just a control freak, a control freak that wants someone else to be vulnerable and powerless while they manipulate the situation to their benefit. I.E, childish. This is a horrible cycle to break..boy meets girl, boy “acts” like a boyfriend to girl, girl falls for boy, boy backs away, girl stops investing time and loses respect for guy, guy feels threatened, and meets another girl to fall into the same cycle all over. The point to all of this is to run quickly from these guys..they need time to sit in a corner to wait until their balls drop a little more to take risks and learn lessons in life. Just sayin. You can’t take over the world Pinky, GET OVER IT.

“Mr. GQ” – This is the guy that feels like his brand new 2010 model Lexus, and condo in the city entitles him to any female he wants. Negative. They lack a grasp on reality, he is definitely “tricking cause he got it”. As attractive as these men may be and successful as he may seem, more than likely these are the ones that are the most insecure and are trying to feel a serious void. On top of that, he probably adores the attention females give him for all of his  material possesions, thus giving a reason not to commit. You may notice that he is constantly bragging about all of his irrelevant possessions, and more than likely has no real personality or depth. These guys try so hard to prove how much they can spend and what they have, that they dont realize that a conversation with them is like talking to your OBGYN during a regular exam. UGGGHH…what a waste.

“Mr. Disappearing Act”- I have never personally been in this situation but I have had conversations with females that have. How and why this occurs I may never know or care. But these guys are the ones who will go months without calling, texting, or even emailing..and then out of the blue will suddenly call wanting to “chill”. Where-they-do-that-at? Definitely not over here..thats ridiculous. Our generation has absolutely no couth or purpose sometimes. I jokingly told my friend that maybe the guy got kidnapped and was fighting for his life on some deserted island for months and that maybe  she was the first person he wanted to see when he swam to freedom. She didnt laugh.  #Kanyeshrug

“Mr. Last Year”- This situation is possibly due to some glitch in the matrix, and needs to be corrected ASAP. This is the ex that USE to be good and for some reason the situation ended. But over and over again he keeps coming back into the picture. Usually he hasn’t accepted the fact that you have let go, and due to the extreme comfortability of the situation you allow him to stay around. The situation is a recipe for disaster for all parties involved. Recycling men due to weakness is a no-go for 2010… Do like Whitney Houston did, just let it all go.

Are there any other men that need to be avoided like the plague? I’m sure women fall into these categories also, so men did I miss anything? Are there hybrids to these labels?

Congratulations…YOU suck!

“awwww…black love infactuation”

SO, maybe im not the easiest person to get along with. Or maybe my attitude ISNT at its best 24/7. Eh, maybe I CAN be a little rude and abbrasive to people when its not warranted. But, aside from all of those things i’ve learned alot from being single black female. IT SUCKS. Now, dont get me wrong, i’m not one of those females who falls into relationships to avoid being single. And lord KNOWs i’m definitely not one to thrive on male attention, or be bitter about past experiences that i’ve gone through with men. No bag lady am I. NOPE.  Behind all of the razor wire and cement lies a huge heart…AWW shut the hell up. And recently I have found someone to make me smile. Not smile like “aww he’s cute”, but really smile because i’m happy. deeply happy….”lol smiley face”. It may sound corny, but not alot of men these days are actual men gentlemen, and even more are in fear of communication. But miraculously I have found those things in this one person and then some. Maybe its a little early to say it will stay this way…but WHATEVS, i’m feeling good about it for now. But the point of this post is DEFINITELY not to gas his head up, but rather to explain some things i’ve learned about myself while going through this whole process of finding someone that makes me smile. He’s slowly melting my heart…Congratulations, YOU SUCK!

#1: Don’t stand in your own way.

Nothing is worse than seeing a female who will do anything to get a mans attention. Sleeping with a guy will definitely NOT make him walk away after humping a late night with you thinking “damn homie, i need to wife her RIGHT NOW!”. Chances are he is thinking the total opposite. Some females should just master being and loving themselves, because in the history of man real has ALWAYS recognized real. ALWAYS. Also, some people should be more optimistic in their lifestyles. Who wants to be with someone who is depressed and miserable all the damn time. I know I don’t, that ish is NOT whats hot in the streets. So please people, step out of the way of yourselves. Let someone break those walls of china down. ASAP.

#2: First impressions ARE important.

Think before you speak. Check your actions. Brush your teeth regularly. Iron your damn clothes! Although these things may sound very obvious, you would be so suprised at the number of people I know who dont know/do this. Whatever the occasion, always be prepared. As sad it may seem people judge you within the first 5 minutes of meeting you. How you carry yourself will make a huge impact on how people deal with you. Some people kill me thinking that they can fake and pretend their way into someone liking their personality. Fakeness has the stench of a effin skunk, so before you open your mouth with ish just make sure you brush your teeth afterwards. I commend a man who can be blatantly honest with me about things while still showing compassion (wink wink). It must be a learned skill..lol

#3: Don’t ignore the RED FLAGS!

If a man tells you he doesn’t want a girlfriend, and you know deep down you are looking for a relationship…RUN!

If a man tells you he has a crazy ex, and he can’t leave her alone because of X-Y-Z…RUN!

If he treats his momma like poo…RUN!

If he only calls you between the hours of 10pm-7am to come watch a “movie”…RUN!

Your intuition screams at you when something isn’t right, and more often than not if it doesnt sound/look/feel right it usually isn’t. So drop him like diddy’s pant..Just sayin.

#4: Keep your standards realistic.

Self-explanatory. You can’t walk into a luxury dealership with Hundai money and expect to walk out with a top of the line Bugatti. By no means am I saying settle for anyone with good D looks, I’m just stating that you can only ask for what you are giving. I’ve had so many conversations with females who will only want to date guys with degrees, nice cars, own place, no kids…BUT they stay with big mama, take the bus, and have 3 kids. CAH-RAZY. Enough said.

#5: NO ONE is perfect.

No man/woman is perfect. It’s just a matching game of which personalities fit together the best. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has a past. Judging based on instances that occured before the person met you is so elementary. I live by the mantra “I am perfectly, imperfect”. So either like them or leave them alone. No one is a magical wizard, you CAN NOT change anyone but yourself. Take heed.

Anymore advice for those coping with single life? Did I miss any key elements of mastering the dating game? Does anyone agree with my key points? Is it different for men and women?

To put a ring on it…OR NOT?

 

Put a ring on it??  Eh, NUUH.  (think my wife and kids)

And, thats how I feel about it…straight like that. I’ve had many conversations with males and females alike who either think im the perfect anamoly, or think i’m a crazed maniac. Either way it doesnt matter, i’m me and my views are still valid. If you’re reading this i’m quite sure you seem to think so too. Now, when I say no ring on it, I definitely dont mean I dont ever want to get married ugggh. I am simply stating my disdain for the need of an engagement ring IN ADDITION to a wedding ring. FOOLISHNESS. I’m not cheap by any stretch of the earth, and i’m all for the advocacy of the sentimental value of things people give to prove their love. But, where was it EVER written that an engagement ring was necessary IN ADDITION to a wedding ring in order to solidify a bond between two people? I’ll wait. YEA, exactly. NOWHERE. I have two main reasons for the route of my thinking, they may not be exactly agreeable but just here me out….

#1: Why buy me an engagement ring when i’m expecting a wedding ring anyway?!

Ummm, we’re in recession. People are getting laid off like crazy. Houses are getting foreclosed on left and durn right. If I am in a committed serious relationship with my significant other and we love eachother, its implied that marriage is a fast approaching train. I dont just mean the “oooh girl he loves me” or the “we got a kid” type of implied. SMH. I mean implied as in  he sits down and explains that the rest of his existence wants to be spent with muah. Thats enough for me. It doesnt take much to keep me happy, and a diamond I can wear on my left ring finger to proudly call him my fiance wont change that for me. What the heck is a fiance ANYWAY? I could’ve sworn we were in america and not france. PERSONALLY. If he asked me if I wanted an engagement ring, I would politely say “Nah, boo I dont need that”. Now come here and let me show you how I feel about you 🙂 Why you ask? well, because…

#2 There are SO many other things to spend that money on!

..Like a down payment on our future home. Or put it into a savings account. Or maybe a down payment on our MY future vehicle.  OOOORRR it could even go towards my WEDDING ring. DUH. Or even the dream wedding I’ve always envisioned for that matter. But for someone to spend money on an engagement ring and then turn around and spend money on a wedding ring AND a wedding, thats fratarded…YEA, I said it. FRATARDED. Unless i’m in a relationship with someone who’s income supports and nurtures all that with out being in debt which I highly doubt then why go through all that? Do something that can benefit BOTH of us, and THEN I will happily recieve my wedding ring on my wedding day. I dont need to impress my friends with a token of your love, or be able to introduce you as my fiance. When its all said and done, they dont have an “engaged” line when you file your taxes.    nah N!GGA you are considered..SINGLE! I’m just sayin.You can put a ring on it, after I walk down the aisle.#kanyeshrug

How do you feel about this? Do all ladies feel the same as me? Or are engagement rings a necessity? Men, do you agree? Or do you want to do the traditional thing and buy a ring?