Black Girl Rant #6: Like Crabs In A Bucket..

..some would rather kill themselves trying to keep others down, rather than to use that same effort to try to claw to the top with them. A shame.

I was just recently talking to a guy that I had met about 2 years ago. Of course the situation started out great, we just meshed. Or so it seemed. He turned out to be the most draining, needy, and manipulative individual I had ever met in my life. The crazy thing about the situation though was that I just couldn’t seem to leave him alone. He was such a parasite, and I knew it, but I just couldn’t pull myself away from the situation. I couldn’t let it go until finally he said to me over the phone…

I do just enough to keep you around. You’re a really good girl, but you know I ain’t ready to be in a relationship right now…I know I’m fucked up, but I don’t want you to go and find someone else…

o_O    really ninja?

That’s what’s hot in the streets?

Not only did this ignorant ass negroe not want to commit to me, he also was full of sh!t and knew it, AND he didn’t want me to meet someone a real man who would treat me right. Some people have the audacity to believe that their own emotional baggage is more important than anything else in their life, and is important to others as well. He made me laugh that day, and everyday after that. I promptly erased his number and suggested that he never call me again. Not in those words, but you get the point.  No one is ever worth giving up your happiness, you should never give anyone the power to pull you down to their negative level. It took me awhile to realize certain things, but I’m glad I eventually learned. Misery loves company….and when it knocks, I try not to be home.

Advertisements

Woman In The Mirror #3: 5 Secrets To Life..

                                                                 …I’m holding on, are you?

Another beautiful monday morning…another day closer to thursday, and the weekend…and my birthday. I’m really focused now more than ever on what I want to get accomplished by 25. My list is long, but time waits for no one. It feels like just yesterday I was setting milestones for where I wanted to be at 21..so far so good. I think I deserve a small pat on the back for all that has been achieved and overcome by “yours truly”. But I know that I wouldn’t be here where I stand today without my family, close friends, and most importantly MY SON. I hear people constantly say that they “never want kids”, and while I respect that…there is no greater feeling in the world. Five years ago I would’ve never imagined in a million years that at this age I would be a mother, provider of another being. NEVER. But I am, and wouldn’t trade this experience for the world.

But I digress..

While talking to another of my close friends on the phone last night, he asked me a pretty deep question :

“If you could go back to when you were 17/18 and give yourself advice on what you’ve gone through up to this point, what would you say?”

Now, at first I quickly replied. NOTHING! I’m an advocate for going through experiences to know how to adjust for the next situation…but then I retracted my statement because in reality there are situations that you go through in life, only to learn there was truly no point in even going through it in the first place. So I thought of my “7 secrets to life” that I think would enlighten the much younger me with tools to deal with the real world…the absolute first on my list would have to be…

 1. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

It took me so long to finally make this something that I didnt have to TRY to do, overtime it just became a natural reaction. I’ve realized that not EVERY situation or person that comes into my life deserves my undivided attention and urgent priority. My priorities are just that for a reason. So eventually I just realized when it’s time to let things go, and relax. Life is too short to be stressed out over irrelevant situations and draining arse people.

2. Perception is everything.

My dad (who is the ABSOLUTE BEST father…yes FATHER, in the world.) taught me when I was younger that perception is EVERYTHING. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, you judge people before they even say two words out of their mouths. How you dress, talk, eat, walk….everything is a direct reflection of you and what you’re state of mind is. So if you decide to walk out of the house in knee high boots, a mini skirt with booty meat showing, and a tube top with the ladies hanging out..don’t be suprised if Tyrone and JJ prejudge your character. It aint right, but that’s life. #Doyou.

3. Don’t waste your life focusing on monetary success.

At the end of the day when I’m dead and gone, no one is going to say..”Damn, she had such a beautiful car..and clothes…and took nice trips.” It’s obviously nice to have those things, but it scares me when people waste their whole lives chasing it. It kind of makes me wonder why they cant just enjoy the little things. Money comes and goes, but who you are as a person is eternal. Make an impression that matters.

4. When people show you who they are..BELIEVE THEM!

It’s pretty simple. When people say that they are heartless and have no soul and kick puppies, it makes it kind of hard to assume that they have good intentions when they interact with society. When someone says they can’t be trusted and they don’t like humans, I tend to stay away from those types. Life is too short for subliminals and I value my sanity too much to play games with people who don’t even want to put out good vibes about themselves. Show the pretty side at all times, you never know when the ugly side may come back to bite you.

5. Never let anyone see all the cards in your hand.

I will admit that I am a very emotional person, and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve with many situations. BUT, I have the ability to see when sometimes I just need to play the background and observe. I refuse to be vulnerable to anyone by force, and I feel like emotions shouldn’t be put on front street all at one time. Keep your hands close until you’re sure you’re ready to play them.

Any other secrets to life? Is there something I’m missing? Is there anything to add to the ones I’ve mentioned?

 

Friends: How many of us really have them?

                                        “How many of us have them?”…..#wishfulthinking

It’s that time of year again…SPRING! Eventhough it feels more and more like winter lately, I absolutely love all the activities associated with this time of year..gardening, fairs, beaches, cleaning, humping like rabbits…all necessary duties that are primarily performed during this transitional season. To add to the list of things I enjoy, this is the time of year when I do the most evaluation on the state of my life and where I stand with people. I think this has a great deal to do with the fact that my birthday is in this particular time frame and I absolutely abhore the feeling of being content and complacent. So, while pondering on the relationships or lack thereof  that I have with the many people  in my life I began to think to myself….what is a friend? Do I have people I consider REAL friends? Am I a REAL friend?

Now let me begin by saying that I’ve been called ALOT of things, but among those things I have never been told that I’m a “bad friend”. Now, this is all a matter of preference of course, and what a person would even consider a friend in the first place taken into account. But as I sit thinking about the people I interact with on a regular basis I begin to see different forms and shapes of  what could be a “friend”. I’ve learned some people you tend to keep in your life simply because you have no reason NOT to, others just have to “grow” on you over time. I consider myself to be a pretty understanding person but I’m still learning to be more flexible and realistic when it comes down to what I expect from the people in my life…that’s one of my most blatant flaws, you can’t turn a horse into an elephant, so just learn to ride the horse…(RIGHT?) Not so much.

But, I digress…I came up with a list of the type of friends I’ve discovered I have or have had to come  into contact with at one point in time, good and bad and how I deal with them to keep my sanity…I learn something from every single person, but I always try to remember ” to thine own self be true”….shall we begin?….

First up on the list….

The “Frenemy” is the person who is  really only associated with because of the mutual friends you share. It’s kind of a Lauren/ Heidi situation…#Iheartthehills….you two were probably really good friends at one point and then someone messed up the bond, OR they are just a hater of greatness. Either way, they are just barely tolerable at most. These people probably DO have some great and admirable qualities, but if stuck with said person on an island for any amount of time over an hour…someone’s eyes would be carved out with a spoon.

The “EX” is someone you dated, probably for an extended period of time, and it didnt seem to end with a happily ever..sadly. But, some how grew over time to be the best of friends. I think this type of friendship can be very bittersweet. Not only do you realize how much they TRULY know you as a person and appreciate that, you sadly hear things that shouldnt be shared between people that once dated…i.e. The story about how he cheated on his girlfriend of two years with a stripper…more than once…and didn’t feel bad about it. That sir, makes you a douche bag. Situations like these make me question people’s integrity, which is never a good thing IMO. Atleast it solidifies in my mind that the situation will NEVER transition to anything more than friends EVER again…thank you for the heads up…

The “Bestie” (with no testies) is the person who you would entrust your first born child to, the person who you would donate a kidney too, the person who you would get THEIR face tattoed on YOUR face…okay maybe not. But the key to this is that they are FEMALE (or the same sex if your not a female). I hear females say all the time, ” I don’t have any really close female friends” or ” I dont trust females so all my close friends are male”….thats ignorant.#growthehayleup… I believe its essential for growth as an adult that a person be able to form a close bond with someone of the same sex, that isnt related to them. I am definitely fortunate enough to be able to have a male AND female bestfriend…but I can also honestly say that there are some things that you can do and say with the same sex friend that you can’t with the opposite sex one…thats life.

The “Friend with Perks” is the person that you can sit and watch a basketball game with and then “get a massage” afterwards. This friendship is the most delicate because someone is bound to catch feelings eventually. It’s only natural. Believe it or not, it’s usually the man that catches feelings the hardest in situations like this. Communication is always key though. So just communicate CLEARLY that you are cool enough to swap fluids….just not THAT cool.

The “Happy” Friend is an absolutely essential friend in so many ways its ridiculous.. Some of the BEST advice I have ever recieved came from two of my closest homosexual male friends. Not only was it honest and uncensored, but VERY real. I admire a person who is comfortable being them…with no filler. (No pun) They always gave me excellent advice on what type of clothes accentuate my shape the best and how I could “please” my SigOther in ways I  never would’ve otherwise thought of on my own (ackward much?). I have also found that my homosexual friends in particular will be the absolute LAST friend to ever judge the things you do or say..I guess being judged constantly allows people to make it the first thing to put on the list of things NOT to do. #Takingnotes?

The Seasonal Friend is someone who floats in and out of your life every couple of months and has no real significance…at all. They are similar to a “frenemy” in that the only REAL reason for communication is usually one or more mutual friends or to find out what your doing in your life. These people may call you to go to out to a club with them…and then ignore your calls for the next 6 months. I also refer to these people as “circle hoppers”…just trying to get in where they best see fit with no REAL bond with anyone. See, I didnt even have much to say about them…thats JUST how unimportant they are.

The Facebook Friend– just that. They just help you kill time… If you THOUGHT we were BFF’s go #killyoself.

The Gossip Fountain is the absolute worst friend to have, but everyone has one or more in their life. It’s kind of like watching a car crash..you want to walk away, but something inside of you as a human wants to be a hero and save someone. Want to know who’s pregnant? They do. Want to know who can’t pay their bills? They do. Want to know who got cheated on? Yep, you guessed it. I was told by my father when I was younger that the people who gossip TO you, will eventually gossip ABOUT you. They smile in people’s faces and get in people’s business for the sole purpose of talking about it to everyone that will listen. These people usually have some of the greatest qualities, which is probably why anyone even associates with them at all. But they can NEVER be trusted, every word must be watched out of fear of the info getting into the wrong hands…or ALL hands for that matter. I have just learned that when talking with GF (gossip fountain) you just have to make sure you treat the conversation like you are talking to an audience…because you are. It’s always funny hearing them speak because it oozes with “I’m extremely insecure and have excessively low self-esteem, so I make myself feel better by announcing and discussing in depth all the flaws in other people’s lives…and then smile in their faces like i’m not.” A cold shower and extensive therapy would probably clear that up pretty quickly….”If you’re going to have two faces atleast make one of them pretty.”

– Written by: Ms. If-I-cared-about-your-feelings-I-wouldn’t- Blog-Wade

Did I miss any type of friends? Are you a REAL friend? Do people still value friendships? Is there ever really a standard for someone you consider a friend??

Soundtrack of Life— Lesson #1:

            Its almost year’s end, as everyone is probably aware of this already, and I’ve been reflecting alot on my life, my past and my future. I love reading other blogs by people who have been doing this for awhile, and I considered doing something that I saw as a post on OneSmartBlack Man’s  My Two Cents Blog– A Soundtrack of Life. It made me wonder, if someone where to see my entire life up to this point, what feeling would they get about me? And even deeper, how do I feel about myself? What mood do I feel about the way things are going in my life right now, and where do I see it going? I try to be a kind of conscious individual, and I truly believe in constantly improving myself and my situation for the long run. This definitely won’t be the last, so enjoy my soundtrack for this period in my life…
Opening Credits: Kanye West – Champion
Waking Up: Sade – Cherish the Day
Average Day: Mary J. Blige – My Life
First Date: Jill Scott – Long Walk
Falling In Love: Talib Kweli- Never Been In Love
Love Scene: Foreign Exchange f/ Muhsinah – DayKeeper
Fight Scene: Mint Condition – Breaking My Heart
Breaking Up: Foreign Exchange – House of Cards
Getting Back Together: Chrisette Michelle – What you Do
Secret Love: Raphael Saadiq – Ask of You
Life’s Okay: Lil Wayne – Brand New
Mental Breakdown: Usher – Moving Mountains
Driving On: Goapele – Closer to My Dreams
Learning A Lesson: Mos Def – Priority
Deep Thought: 2Pac – Changes
Flashback: BrownStone – Grapevine
Partying: Gucci Mane – Wasted
Happy Dance: Lucy Pearl – Dance Tonight
Regretting: Aretha Franklin – A Rose
Long Night Alone: Chrisette Michelle – Blame It On Me
Death Scene: Drake – Last Hope
Closing Credits: Michael Jackson – Never Can Say GoodBye
SN: Thanks again OneSmartBlackMan….this really inspired me.
So who else has a good soundtrack? Or what song symbolizes a time in your life right now? Did this make anyone reflect on themselves?

League of “UN-extraordinary” Gentlemen

                                                                    “No bueno.”

             We are quickly approaching a New Year, 2010 is upon us. Thankfully, with a New Year brings new beginnings, new visions, new ways of thinking. I am not one to stand on a soap-box, declaring ALL men evil and undatable…but damn, in the DC area it’s almost impossible to find a “decent” man to call your own. “Decent” meaning not gay, involved seriously with someone, or without excessive baggage. These are hard times man..we are in a damn recession, so people need to buckle down and not waste time on these unnecessary leeches of time and energy. These men I have labeled…dun dun dun…The League of UN-extraordinary Gentlemen.

             These men are everywhere you are, sitting next to you in class, at the grocery store, or you may even be friends with them on Facebook, Twitter, or some other form of social crack media. I have had the personal disadvantage of being involved in some way with one or more of these characters, but fortunately I have the common sense to know how to not repeat my mistakes..(Thank you mom for the common sense lessons!) ..Whatever the case may be we as women need to know the signs to avoid and the nasty leeches to detach from permanently before they drain us of our youth and beauty. All need to be avoided like the plague, and some banished from society until further notice…do not pass go and DO NOT collect 200 dollars…

“Mr. Rebound”- This guy is anxoius to get over the ex that did him wrong. Prove a point. Settle a grudge. Whatever the case may be,  these particular men multiply like gremlins in this area. So anxoius to “dive deep” into another situation with a different female, they arent able to witness the weight of their own baggage. A female can usually notice a few key red flags within the first couple of weeks of going out with this guy. He may constantly make a point to detail all of the flaws his ex may have had, claiming that those were all the things he despised. Or he may be the weirdo that subconsciously describes all the things that you do that reminds him of her…In either case ditch this dodo bird. He is not worth the time or energy due to the fact that he is not over her, this situation is destined to no-where-fast-ville very quickly. THERE ARE SNAKES ON THIS PLANE!! 

“Mr. Afraid of Growing Up Committment” – In my opinion these men deserve the least amount of respect. Atleast the other men can get a mini pass due to the fact that their ignorance and lack of common sense is clouding their judgement. But this ninja right here is KNOWINGLY doing things to sabotage a situation, or lack thereof. SMH. This guy will do all the things a boyfriend would do and more, but will NEVER put a label on it out of “fear”. He will take the female out on dates, has deep conversations about life, even goes so far as being totally exclusive to said female. But mention the thought of a relationship and they lose it under the pressure like Tiger Woods behind the wheel of his SUV on the night he “dropped the ball”. I crack myself up.  But all jokes aside, I personally feel as though no one is afraid of committment, thats bull. This man is just a control freak, a control freak that wants someone else to be vulnerable and powerless while they manipulate the situation to their benefit. I.E, childish. This is a horrible cycle to break..boy meets girl, boy “acts” like a boyfriend to girl, girl falls for boy, boy backs away, girl stops investing time and loses respect for guy, guy feels threatened, and meets another girl to fall into the same cycle all over. The point to all of this is to run quickly from these guys..they need time to sit in a corner to wait until their balls drop a little more to take risks and learn lessons in life. Just sayin. You can’t take over the world Pinky, GET OVER IT.

“Mr. GQ” – This is the guy that feels like his brand new 2010 model Lexus, and condo in the city entitles him to any female he wants. Negative. They lack a grasp on reality, he is definitely “tricking cause he got it”. As attractive as these men may be and successful as he may seem, more than likely these are the ones that are the most insecure and are trying to feel a serious void. On top of that, he probably adores the attention females give him for all of his  material possesions, thus giving a reason not to commit. You may notice that he is constantly bragging about all of his irrelevant possessions, and more than likely has no real personality or depth. These guys try so hard to prove how much they can spend and what they have, that they dont realize that a conversation with them is like talking to your OBGYN during a regular exam. UGGGHH…what a waste.

“Mr. Disappearing Act”- I have never personally been in this situation but I have had conversations with females that have. How and why this occurs I may never know or care. But these guys are the ones who will go months without calling, texting, or even emailing..and then out of the blue will suddenly call wanting to “chill”. Where-they-do-that-at? Definitely not over here..thats ridiculous. Our generation has absolutely no couth or purpose sometimes. I jokingly told my friend that maybe the guy got kidnapped and was fighting for his life on some deserted island for months and that maybe  she was the first person he wanted to see when he swam to freedom. She didnt laugh.  #Kanyeshrug

“Mr. Last Year”- This situation is possibly due to some glitch in the matrix, and needs to be corrected ASAP. This is the ex that USE to be good and for some reason the situation ended. But over and over again he keeps coming back into the picture. Usually he hasn’t accepted the fact that you have let go, and due to the extreme comfortability of the situation you allow him to stay around. The situation is a recipe for disaster for all parties involved. Recycling men due to weakness is a no-go for 2010… Do like Whitney Houston did, just let it all go.

Are there any other men that need to be avoided like the plague? I’m sure women fall into these categories also, so men did I miss anything? Are there hybrids to these labels?

Somebody had to say it..

I have a couple of things to rant about today. Geezus, so much has been going on in this rollercoaster of a life of mine. People coming and going out of craziness, all this crazy ish in the media, the people I meet…..:sigh: But although I see so much, I try so hard to keep my compusure and remain professional at all times, because in reality I am in no position to judge ANYONE. :cough:bullshint:cough: But urrrummm yea..and heeeerrre we go:

Insecure Men/Women-

Why, oh why did someone appoint me the official magnet of wackdom? I mean damn, is there a sticky note on my back attracting all those deemed unworthy of confidence?? I always feel like the wackest men try to date , and the wackest women often hate. Now by wack I mean insecure, and by insecure I mean need to stay-at-home-on-the-couch-sitting-indian-style-watching-bambi-while-eating-popcorn type issues. The issues that make you want to slap them until they black out. YES. I mean really, I personally feel I am too damn old for a guy to be worried about what I’m doing when I’m not in his presence. Not everyone cheats, and if a guy doesnt trust  females based on past experiences, he may need to let his  balls guard drop enough to realize the world is NOT, I repeat, is NOT against him..just me. :jay-z-on to the next one: Females, :sigh:.. its become a trend for females to constantly pick apart a fellow female they see in the club, mall, gas station, eh..even church. Does it make you look anymore attractive than what you did before you talked ish? NOT so much. Does it really matter that her jeans are too tight and she can hardly breathe? NOPE. Does it affect you that she’s wearing a lace front hat wig that talks to you when u look at it too hard cough:beyonce:cough:? NOPE. My point exactly. GROW UP.

Rihanna vs. Chris Brown aka WWIII-

Yes, I watched the damn 20/20 interview. Yes, it further made me realize how much I dislike her. And YES I will STILL buy Graffiti when it comes out in Dec. I’m just gonna keep this short and sweet. FIRST OF ALL, the whole fight that night occured over a TEXT MESSAGE! ..SMH..Which further proves my insecure male/female argument above. i.e grown up! SECOND, I absolutely agree that Chris Brown was 100% wrong for beating that girl the way he did. But like my father told me growing up: you give a lick, you take a lick- and by lick I mean hit (pause) So, if she felt froggy enough to jump up, she got taught a VERY valuable lesson that night….(just sayin)

:drops the mic, and walks away slowly with my middle finger in the air:

Sammy Sosa-

SMH. When Martin Luther King said for all black and white people to come together as one, he definitely didn’t mean in the same body Sammy.No effin words.

Invented Sex Video- Trey Songs aka yes-I-would-anyday-of-the-week!

I would first like to say that I was formerly a bordering Trey Songs fan, due to the fact that he changed alot from when he first came on the scene. But this video…”this ish right heeeere n!gga”….MAN! I commend him as an artist, because he sings beautifully. But I swear I cant watch it more than once in a week. Enough said, I need a cold shower.

SN: the lesson for the day is – 1. Grow up! 2. keep your hands to yourself. 3. BLACK is beautiful 4. Yes, I did. Go ahead, admit it…lol

Peace..i’ve finally found it.

Sunday Morning, 11:37 am:

As I sit here basking in the warmth of this glorious fall morning, sipping on a mildly cooled mug of deliciousness that is Chai Latte with just a bit of vanilla and sprinkle of cinnamon to taste and smelling of heaven trapped in ceramic. The shade of my mother’s awning keeps the sun from blinding me, and the comfortable breeze of this fall day caresses me. Often I wonder how I became lucky enough to find peace while persistently being pushed and pulled into the cold arms of chaos. As I look just 10 ft away I see my toddler son eagerly chasing bubbles being blown through the air, as they drift with the wind it reminds me of my thoughts sometimes floating from my vicinity, vanishing into nothingness. He smiles with such delight anticipating what size bubbles the next breath of air may bring to his “magic wand”. Luckily, his young mind is not yet aware of the depth of this beautiful memory. I giggle slightly at the irony of our present situation. Still constantly reflecting on the times when just sitting and enjoying these special moments with my only baby boy were impossible. Nothing but yells, cursing and breaking glass could be heard in the tiny one bedroom apartment that housed a rabid lion constantly searching for prey. Wondering when I would have to protect myself and my offspring from the berating, throwing, and overwhelming stench of beer and cigarette smoke. Too many nights and an excessive amount of energy was spent on apologizing for imagined events and pleading for a chance to explain why things didn’t go as was asked of me. Not nearly enough time was given to the being whose presence forged this” union”. The one blessing I felt I had in life wasn’t receiving his owed appreciation from his mommy. Instead of my son being brought home to my ideal nurturing environment I had created in my mind for 9 months or more, his first stumble upon family was the equivalent of World War III. I praise the most high for the ability to see that the situation was not fit for a Queen and her Prince. The first opportunity of freedom and change afforded to me was accepted as our token to a new way of life, and it never tasted so sweet. I realized quickly that the tiny apartment that once housed a shambling family of three would soon be a figment of my imagination and only an unpleasant remembrance to my then infant son. We are now able to enjoy the whir of the fan in the bedroom while sleeping in late on a Saturday morning. Sunny days can now be spent outside enjoying the fresh air that fills our lungs for hours on trailed paths. At the age of two he makes it a purpose to smile at everything new, so contagious is the smile of  my baby boy. I hug and kiss him 2 zillion times a day just to feel his warm hands giving the small pat that most toddlers give. Kissing the small dimple on his right cheek, and telling him I love him forever and ever. This is peace for me, being able to see my son enjoy his childhood. He’s free to think about colors and shapes, and how many vanilla cookies he would like with lunch. I am thankful I was able to rid his life of chaos early, and blessed to not be stressed. There is reason for everything. As I sit here, continuously watching him pursue those translucent bubbles, while smiling broadly, and looking at me every so often to see if I’m still witnessing his accomplishments. I think to myself…..Yes sweetie, I am, and only one word comes to my mind: PEACE

SN: This post was written in response to the http://mybrownbaby.blogspot.com/2009/11/mybrownbaby-beautiful-mind-writing.html My Brown Baby Beautiful Mind Contest. Topic: Peace