Black Girl Rant #6: Like Crabs In A Bucket..

..some would rather kill themselves trying to keep others down, rather than to use that same effort to try to claw to the top with them. A shame.

I was just recently talking to a guy that I had met about 2 years ago. Of course the situation started out great, we just meshed. Or so it seemed. He turned out to be the most draining, needy, and manipulative individual I had ever met in my life. The crazy thing about the situation though was that I just couldn’t seem to leave him alone. He was such a parasite, and I knew it, but I just couldn’t pull myself away from the situation. I couldn’t let it go until finally he said to me over the phone…

I do just enough to keep you around. You’re a really good girl, but you know I ain’t ready to be in a relationship right now…I know I’m fucked up, but I don’t want you to go and find someone else…

o_O    really ninja?

That’s what’s hot in the streets?

Not only did this ignorant ass negroe not want to commit to me, he also was full of sh!t and knew it, AND he didn’t want me to meet someone a real man who would treat me right. Some people have the audacity to believe that their own emotional baggage is more important than anything else in their life, and is important to others as well. He made me laugh that day, and everyday after that. I promptly erased his number and suggested that he never call me again. Not in those words, but you get the point.  No one is ever worth giving up your happiness, you should never give anyone the power to pull you down to their negative level. It took me awhile to realize certain things, but I’m glad I eventually learned. Misery loves company….and when it knocks, I try not to be home.

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Day 60: 60 Day Challenge…

So, after reading so many blogs on life, love, love-lives, politics, and other things that after a while bore me to my bones, I’ve decided to challenge myself. With what you ask? With the words I put on my own blog. I thought to start a 60 day challenge, to not only learn more about myself, but also to see my own growth as a writer and thinker over the next 60 days. The topics may vary, and I know the length will too, but the main point I’m trying to make is to hopefully spark creativity in myself and others. I like to think of myself as pretty descriptive writer, so the goal over the next 60 days is to pull someone/ people in and let them know ME. Not the facade I WANT people to see, but the REAL me. Uncensored, uncut, and raw. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. No, I will not be pouring my heart and soul out every single day. But I will expose a side of me that few have seen. I hope to mature a little through this challenge. At the end of the day…”I’m talkin to the man in the mirror.”

Woman In The Mirror #3: 5 Secrets To Life..

                                                                 …I’m holding on, are you?

Another beautiful monday morning…another day closer to thursday, and the weekend…and my birthday. I’m really focused now more than ever on what I want to get accomplished by 25. My list is long, but time waits for no one. It feels like just yesterday I was setting milestones for where I wanted to be at 21..so far so good. I think I deserve a small pat on the back for all that has been achieved and overcome by “yours truly”. But I know that I wouldn’t be here where I stand today without my family, close friends, and most importantly MY SON. I hear people constantly say that they “never want kids”, and while I respect that…there is no greater feeling in the world. Five years ago I would’ve never imagined in a million years that at this age I would be a mother, provider of another being. NEVER. But I am, and wouldn’t trade this experience for the world.

But I digress..

While talking to another of my close friends on the phone last night, he asked me a pretty deep question :

“If you could go back to when you were 17/18 and give yourself advice on what you’ve gone through up to this point, what would you say?”

Now, at first I quickly replied. NOTHING! I’m an advocate for going through experiences to know how to adjust for the next situation…but then I retracted my statement because in reality there are situations that you go through in life, only to learn there was truly no point in even going through it in the first place. So I thought of my “7 secrets to life” that I think would enlighten the much younger me with tools to deal with the real world…the absolute first on my list would have to be…

 1. Don’t sweat the small stuff.

It took me so long to finally make this something that I didnt have to TRY to do, overtime it just became a natural reaction. I’ve realized that not EVERY situation or person that comes into my life deserves my undivided attention and urgent priority. My priorities are just that for a reason. So eventually I just realized when it’s time to let things go, and relax. Life is too short to be stressed out over irrelevant situations and draining arse people.

2. Perception is everything.

My dad (who is the ABSOLUTE BEST father…yes FATHER, in the world.) taught me when I was younger that perception is EVERYTHING. Whether anyone wants to admit it or not, you judge people before they even say two words out of their mouths. How you dress, talk, eat, walk….everything is a direct reflection of you and what you’re state of mind is. So if you decide to walk out of the house in knee high boots, a mini skirt with booty meat showing, and a tube top with the ladies hanging out..don’t be suprised if Tyrone and JJ prejudge your character. It aint right, but that’s life. #Doyou.

3. Don’t waste your life focusing on monetary success.

At the end of the day when I’m dead and gone, no one is going to say..”Damn, she had such a beautiful car..and clothes…and took nice trips.” It’s obviously nice to have those things, but it scares me when people waste their whole lives chasing it. It kind of makes me wonder why they cant just enjoy the little things. Money comes and goes, but who you are as a person is eternal. Make an impression that matters.

4. When people show you who they are..BELIEVE THEM!

It’s pretty simple. When people say that they are heartless and have no soul and kick puppies, it makes it kind of hard to assume that they have good intentions when they interact with society. When someone says they can’t be trusted and they don’t like humans, I tend to stay away from those types. Life is too short for subliminals and I value my sanity too much to play games with people who don’t even want to put out good vibes about themselves. Show the pretty side at all times, you never know when the ugly side may come back to bite you.

5. Never let anyone see all the cards in your hand.

I will admit that I am a very emotional person, and I tend to wear my heart on my sleeve with many situations. BUT, I have the ability to see when sometimes I just need to play the background and observe. I refuse to be vulnerable to anyone by force, and I feel like emotions shouldn’t be put on front street all at one time. Keep your hands close until you’re sure you’re ready to play them.

Any other secrets to life? Is there something I’m missing? Is there anything to add to the ones I’ve mentioned?

 

Friends: How many of us really have them?

                                        “How many of us have them?”…..#wishfulthinking

It’s that time of year again…SPRING! Eventhough it feels more and more like winter lately, I absolutely love all the activities associated with this time of year..gardening, fairs, beaches, cleaning, humping like rabbits…all necessary duties that are primarily performed during this transitional season. To add to the list of things I enjoy, this is the time of year when I do the most evaluation on the state of my life and where I stand with people. I think this has a great deal to do with the fact that my birthday is in this particular time frame and I absolutely abhore the feeling of being content and complacent. So, while pondering on the relationships or lack thereof  that I have with the many people  in my life I began to think to myself….what is a friend? Do I have people I consider REAL friends? Am I a REAL friend?

Now let me begin by saying that I’ve been called ALOT of things, but among those things I have never been told that I’m a “bad friend”. Now, this is all a matter of preference of course, and what a person would even consider a friend in the first place taken into account. But as I sit thinking about the people I interact with on a regular basis I begin to see different forms and shapes of  what could be a “friend”. I’ve learned some people you tend to keep in your life simply because you have no reason NOT to, others just have to “grow” on you over time. I consider myself to be a pretty understanding person but I’m still learning to be more flexible and realistic when it comes down to what I expect from the people in my life…that’s one of my most blatant flaws, you can’t turn a horse into an elephant, so just learn to ride the horse…(RIGHT?) Not so much.

But, I digress…I came up with a list of the type of friends I’ve discovered I have or have had to come  into contact with at one point in time, good and bad and how I deal with them to keep my sanity…I learn something from every single person, but I always try to remember ” to thine own self be true”….shall we begin?….

First up on the list….

The “Frenemy” is the person who is  really only associated with because of the mutual friends you share. It’s kind of a Lauren/ Heidi situation…#Iheartthehills….you two were probably really good friends at one point and then someone messed up the bond, OR they are just a hater of greatness. Either way, they are just barely tolerable at most. These people probably DO have some great and admirable qualities, but if stuck with said person on an island for any amount of time over an hour…someone’s eyes would be carved out with a spoon.

The “EX” is someone you dated, probably for an extended period of time, and it didnt seem to end with a happily ever..sadly. But, some how grew over time to be the best of friends. I think this type of friendship can be very bittersweet. Not only do you realize how much they TRULY know you as a person and appreciate that, you sadly hear things that shouldnt be shared between people that once dated…i.e. The story about how he cheated on his girlfriend of two years with a stripper…more than once…and didn’t feel bad about it. That sir, makes you a douche bag. Situations like these make me question people’s integrity, which is never a good thing IMO. Atleast it solidifies in my mind that the situation will NEVER transition to anything more than friends EVER again…thank you for the heads up…

The “Bestie” (with no testies) is the person who you would entrust your first born child to, the person who you would donate a kidney too, the person who you would get THEIR face tattoed on YOUR face…okay maybe not. But the key to this is that they are FEMALE (or the same sex if your not a female). I hear females say all the time, ” I don’t have any really close female friends” or ” I dont trust females so all my close friends are male”….thats ignorant.#growthehayleup… I believe its essential for growth as an adult that a person be able to form a close bond with someone of the same sex, that isnt related to them. I am definitely fortunate enough to be able to have a male AND female bestfriend…but I can also honestly say that there are some things that you can do and say with the same sex friend that you can’t with the opposite sex one…thats life.

The “Friend with Perks” is the person that you can sit and watch a basketball game with and then “get a massage” afterwards. This friendship is the most delicate because someone is bound to catch feelings eventually. It’s only natural. Believe it or not, it’s usually the man that catches feelings the hardest in situations like this. Communication is always key though. So just communicate CLEARLY that you are cool enough to swap fluids….just not THAT cool.

The “Happy” Friend is an absolutely essential friend in so many ways its ridiculous.. Some of the BEST advice I have ever recieved came from two of my closest homosexual male friends. Not only was it honest and uncensored, but VERY real. I admire a person who is comfortable being them…with no filler. (No pun) They always gave me excellent advice on what type of clothes accentuate my shape the best and how I could “please” my SigOther in ways I  never would’ve otherwise thought of on my own (ackward much?). I have also found that my homosexual friends in particular will be the absolute LAST friend to ever judge the things you do or say..I guess being judged constantly allows people to make it the first thing to put on the list of things NOT to do. #Takingnotes?

The Seasonal Friend is someone who floats in and out of your life every couple of months and has no real significance…at all. They are similar to a “frenemy” in that the only REAL reason for communication is usually one or more mutual friends or to find out what your doing in your life. These people may call you to go to out to a club with them…and then ignore your calls for the next 6 months. I also refer to these people as “circle hoppers”…just trying to get in where they best see fit with no REAL bond with anyone. See, I didnt even have much to say about them…thats JUST how unimportant they are.

The Facebook Friend– just that. They just help you kill time… If you THOUGHT we were BFF’s go #killyoself.

The Gossip Fountain is the absolute worst friend to have, but everyone has one or more in their life. It’s kind of like watching a car crash..you want to walk away, but something inside of you as a human wants to be a hero and save someone. Want to know who’s pregnant? They do. Want to know who can’t pay their bills? They do. Want to know who got cheated on? Yep, you guessed it. I was told by my father when I was younger that the people who gossip TO you, will eventually gossip ABOUT you. They smile in people’s faces and get in people’s business for the sole purpose of talking about it to everyone that will listen. These people usually have some of the greatest qualities, which is probably why anyone even associates with them at all. But they can NEVER be trusted, every word must be watched out of fear of the info getting into the wrong hands…or ALL hands for that matter. I have just learned that when talking with GF (gossip fountain) you just have to make sure you treat the conversation like you are talking to an audience…because you are. It’s always funny hearing them speak because it oozes with “I’m extremely insecure and have excessively low self-esteem, so I make myself feel better by announcing and discussing in depth all the flaws in other people’s lives…and then smile in their faces like i’m not.” A cold shower and extensive therapy would probably clear that up pretty quickly….”If you’re going to have two faces atleast make one of them pretty.”

– Written by: Ms. If-I-cared-about-your-feelings-I-wouldn’t- Blog-Wade

Did I miss any type of friends? Are you a REAL friend? Do people still value friendships? Is there ever really a standard for someone you consider a friend??

Yes, I’m okay…I’m just going “natural”. DAMN.

            NO, I’m not dying, I’m not losing a limb, I’m not trying to reinvent myself, no need for dramatics. Damn, I’m simply growing out my hair relaxer. Its healthier this way, and I’m basically trying to save myself from hair loss, scalp irratation,  thinning, and breakage  in the future. Thats it. Period. It wasnt some big huge life changing milestone to symbolize me “shedding” XYZ in order to accomplish ABC. Absolutely not. Although it is very important for people in my generation to occasionally step back from their currrent life situations in order to reflect and grow, thats NOT what I’m doing with this. Sorry if I disappointed you. Womp Womp Womp….pick your face up!

The real reasons for me deciding to “go natural” was a combination of little things, nothing major or catastrophic…just little things that make you go..Why not? It amazes me how people can plan for their future’s, save every dime delingently in their perfectly calculated accounts, wear the best clothes….but can’t take care of their hair! That is among one of the first things people see when they view you..face, hair,teeth, hands…in that order. Which leads to reason number…

37.) I don’t want to be 30 with my hairline touching my back, and a “touch” of hair on my head! Nothing is worse than seeing a female thinking she is the flyest alive with her long luscious permed hair…that is horribly damaged, and her hairline looks like Tyra Banks’. #FAIL. This is a situation where “Quality over Quantity” needs to preached. I was always told that long hair isn’t necessarily that cute if it doesnt look taken care of. After talking with a fellow battle buddy, I sat and thought about the chances of my relaxed hair growing down my back versus if I were to just let the perm grow out and let my natural hair grow strong and healthy. Natural hair won that that war…

38.) Lookin at pictures of myself during childhood with long natural hair that could withstand a turbulent war. As a child, my mom wouldn’t allow me to get a perm put into my hair until alot later than most of classmates. Hot combs, moisturizers, and dooky braids were all I knew and all else was not an option unless I wanted a slap from the hairbrush in the head. As I got older and was able to put relaxers in my own hair as often as I wanted, and I began to notice that even though my hair may have “looked” shiny and healthy, in all actuality it took what seemed like a million years to grow. Sometimes it matters not the looks of things, but the STATE in WHICH it grows that matters more. #GoDeep ..literally… 

39.) Why not? I’m kind of curious to see what my natural hair would look like, and there are already some styles that I’m anxious to try once my hair grows to a certain length. Some ignorant people have this notion that  because I’m deciding to go natural, that it automatically means that I’m getting dreads…uh no. I just want to go natural. I read on a blog while searching for homemade moisturizers some interesting information:

After a while you develop hair breakage (from using hair relaxer, or other harsh methods of treatment)–>You use a product, to fix the problem. (toxic conditioners..with chemicals)–>That product in turn has its own damaging side effect. So you use another product to fix that problem. ( “Hair Repair Treatments”…with chemicals)–>Which leads to damage, or a side effect in another area. So you use another product to fix that problem. Etc, etc, etc.

So, as a whole, I just decided to just cut out THAT WHOLE process and grow healthier hair. Simple enough right? Not so much…the new growth is torturing me, but I MUST fight the urge to get the end result. Atleast I’ll have a happy ending…#Thatswhatshesaid. HA!

Wish me luck…I’m sure you will be hearing more about it. Happy trails.

Is anyone else out there “transitioning” from relaxed to natural? Any remedies? Any stories of hope???

Congratulations…YOU suck!

“awwww…black love infactuation”

SO, maybe im not the easiest person to get along with. Or maybe my attitude ISNT at its best 24/7. Eh, maybe I CAN be a little rude and abbrasive to people when its not warranted. But, aside from all of those things i’ve learned alot from being single black female. IT SUCKS. Now, dont get me wrong, i’m not one of those females who falls into relationships to avoid being single. And lord KNOWs i’m definitely not one to thrive on male attention, or be bitter about past experiences that i’ve gone through with men. No bag lady am I. NOPE.  Behind all of the razor wire and cement lies a huge heart…AWW shut the hell up. And recently I have found someone to make me smile. Not smile like “aww he’s cute”, but really smile because i’m happy. deeply happy….”lol smiley face”. It may sound corny, but not alot of men these days are actual men gentlemen, and even more are in fear of communication. But miraculously I have found those things in this one person and then some. Maybe its a little early to say it will stay this way…but WHATEVS, i’m feeling good about it for now. But the point of this post is DEFINITELY not to gas his head up, but rather to explain some things i’ve learned about myself while going through this whole process of finding someone that makes me smile. He’s slowly melting my heart…Congratulations, YOU SUCK!

#1: Don’t stand in your own way.

Nothing is worse than seeing a female who will do anything to get a mans attention. Sleeping with a guy will definitely NOT make him walk away after humping a late night with you thinking “damn homie, i need to wife her RIGHT NOW!”. Chances are he is thinking the total opposite. Some females should just master being and loving themselves, because in the history of man real has ALWAYS recognized real. ALWAYS. Also, some people should be more optimistic in their lifestyles. Who wants to be with someone who is depressed and miserable all the damn time. I know I don’t, that ish is NOT whats hot in the streets. So please people, step out of the way of yourselves. Let someone break those walls of china down. ASAP.

#2: First impressions ARE important.

Think before you speak. Check your actions. Brush your teeth regularly. Iron your damn clothes! Although these things may sound very obvious, you would be so suprised at the number of people I know who dont know/do this. Whatever the occasion, always be prepared. As sad it may seem people judge you within the first 5 minutes of meeting you. How you carry yourself will make a huge impact on how people deal with you. Some people kill me thinking that they can fake and pretend their way into someone liking their personality. Fakeness has the stench of a effin skunk, so before you open your mouth with ish just make sure you brush your teeth afterwards. I commend a man who can be blatantly honest with me about things while still showing compassion (wink wink). It must be a learned skill..lol

#3: Don’t ignore the RED FLAGS!

If a man tells you he doesn’t want a girlfriend, and you know deep down you are looking for a relationship…RUN!

If a man tells you he has a crazy ex, and he can’t leave her alone because of X-Y-Z…RUN!

If he treats his momma like poo…RUN!

If he only calls you between the hours of 10pm-7am to come watch a “movie”…RUN!

Your intuition screams at you when something isn’t right, and more often than not if it doesnt sound/look/feel right it usually isn’t. So drop him like diddy’s pant..Just sayin.

#4: Keep your standards realistic.

Self-explanatory. You can’t walk into a luxury dealership with Hundai money and expect to walk out with a top of the line Bugatti. By no means am I saying settle for anyone with good D looks, I’m just stating that you can only ask for what you are giving. I’ve had so many conversations with females who will only want to date guys with degrees, nice cars, own place, no kids…BUT they stay with big mama, take the bus, and have 3 kids. CAH-RAZY. Enough said.

#5: NO ONE is perfect.

No man/woman is perfect. It’s just a matching game of which personalities fit together the best. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has a past. Judging based on instances that occured before the person met you is so elementary. I live by the mantra “I am perfectly, imperfect”. So either like them or leave them alone. No one is a magical wizard, you CAN NOT change anyone but yourself. Take heed.

Anymore advice for those coping with single life? Did I miss any key elements of mastering the dating game? Does anyone agree with my key points? Is it different for men and women?

To put a ring on it…OR NOT?

 

Put a ring on it??  Eh, NUUH.  (think my wife and kids)

And, thats how I feel about it…straight like that. I’ve had many conversations with males and females alike who either think im the perfect anamoly, or think i’m a crazed maniac. Either way it doesnt matter, i’m me and my views are still valid. If you’re reading this i’m quite sure you seem to think so too. Now, when I say no ring on it, I definitely dont mean I dont ever want to get married ugggh. I am simply stating my disdain for the need of an engagement ring IN ADDITION to a wedding ring. FOOLISHNESS. I’m not cheap by any stretch of the earth, and i’m all for the advocacy of the sentimental value of things people give to prove their love. But, where was it EVER written that an engagement ring was necessary IN ADDITION to a wedding ring in order to solidify a bond between two people? I’ll wait. YEA, exactly. NOWHERE. I have two main reasons for the route of my thinking, they may not be exactly agreeable but just here me out….

#1: Why buy me an engagement ring when i’m expecting a wedding ring anyway?!

Ummm, we’re in recession. People are getting laid off like crazy. Houses are getting foreclosed on left and durn right. If I am in a committed serious relationship with my significant other and we love eachother, its implied that marriage is a fast approaching train. I dont just mean the “oooh girl he loves me” or the “we got a kid” type of implied. SMH. I mean implied as in  he sits down and explains that the rest of his existence wants to be spent with muah. Thats enough for me. It doesnt take much to keep me happy, and a diamond I can wear on my left ring finger to proudly call him my fiance wont change that for me. What the heck is a fiance ANYWAY? I could’ve sworn we were in america and not france. PERSONALLY. If he asked me if I wanted an engagement ring, I would politely say “Nah, boo I dont need that”. Now come here and let me show you how I feel about you 🙂 Why you ask? well, because…

#2 There are SO many other things to spend that money on!

..Like a down payment on our future home. Or put it into a savings account. Or maybe a down payment on our MY future vehicle.  OOOORRR it could even go towards my WEDDING ring. DUH. Or even the dream wedding I’ve always envisioned for that matter. But for someone to spend money on an engagement ring and then turn around and spend money on a wedding ring AND a wedding, thats fratarded…YEA, I said it. FRATARDED. Unless i’m in a relationship with someone who’s income supports and nurtures all that with out being in debt which I highly doubt then why go through all that? Do something that can benefit BOTH of us, and THEN I will happily recieve my wedding ring on my wedding day. I dont need to impress my friends with a token of your love, or be able to introduce you as my fiance. When its all said and done, they dont have an “engaged” line when you file your taxes.    nah N!GGA you are considered..SINGLE! I’m just sayin.You can put a ring on it, after I walk down the aisle.#kanyeshrug

How do you feel about this? Do all ladies feel the same as me? Or are engagement rings a necessity? Men, do you agree? Or do you want to do the traditional thing and buy a ring?