Friends: How many of us really have them?

                                        “How many of us have them?”…..#wishfulthinking

It’s that time of year again…SPRING! Eventhough it feels more and more like winter lately, I absolutely love all the activities associated with this time of year..gardening, fairs, beaches, cleaning, humping like rabbits…all necessary duties that are primarily performed during this transitional season. To add to the list of things I enjoy, this is the time of year when I do the most evaluation on the state of my life and where I stand with people. I think this has a great deal to do with the fact that my birthday is in this particular time frame and I absolutely abhore the feeling of being content and complacent. So, while pondering on the relationships or lack thereof  that I have with the many people  in my life I began to think to myself….what is a friend? Do I have people I consider REAL friends? Am I a REAL friend?

Now let me begin by saying that I’ve been called ALOT of things, but among those things I have never been told that I’m a “bad friend”. Now, this is all a matter of preference of course, and what a person would even consider a friend in the first place taken into account. But as I sit thinking about the people I interact with on a regular basis I begin to see different forms and shapes of  what could be a “friend”. I’ve learned some people you tend to keep in your life simply because you have no reason NOT to, others just have to “grow” on you over time. I consider myself to be a pretty understanding person but I’m still learning to be more flexible and realistic when it comes down to what I expect from the people in my life…that’s one of my most blatant flaws, you can’t turn a horse into an elephant, so just learn to ride the horse…(RIGHT?) Not so much.

But, I digress…I came up with a list of the type of friends I’ve discovered I have or have had to come  into contact with at one point in time, good and bad and how I deal with them to keep my sanity…I learn something from every single person, but I always try to remember ” to thine own self be true”….shall we begin?….

First up on the list….

The “Frenemy” is the person who is  really only associated with because of the mutual friends you share. It’s kind of a Lauren/ Heidi situation…#Iheartthehills….you two were probably really good friends at one point and then someone messed up the bond, OR they are just a hater of greatness. Either way, they are just barely tolerable at most. These people probably DO have some great and admirable qualities, but if stuck with said person on an island for any amount of time over an hour…someone’s eyes would be carved out with a spoon.

The “EX” is someone you dated, probably for an extended period of time, and it didnt seem to end with a happily ever..sadly. But, some how grew over time to be the best of friends. I think this type of friendship can be very bittersweet. Not only do you realize how much they TRULY know you as a person and appreciate that, you sadly hear things that shouldnt be shared between people that once dated…i.e. The story about how he cheated on his girlfriend of two years with a stripper…more than once…and didn’t feel bad about it. That sir, makes you a douche bag. Situations like these make me question people’s integrity, which is never a good thing IMO. Atleast it solidifies in my mind that the situation will NEVER transition to anything more than friends EVER again…thank you for the heads up…

The “Bestie” (with no testies) is the person who you would entrust your first born child to, the person who you would donate a kidney too, the person who you would get THEIR face tattoed on YOUR face…okay maybe not. But the key to this is that they are FEMALE (or the same sex if your not a female). I hear females say all the time, ” I don’t have any really close female friends” or ” I dont trust females so all my close friends are male”….thats ignorant.#growthehayleup… I believe its essential for growth as an adult that a person be able to form a close bond with someone of the same sex, that isnt related to them. I am definitely fortunate enough to be able to have a male AND female bestfriend…but I can also honestly say that there are some things that you can do and say with the same sex friend that you can’t with the opposite sex one…thats life.

The “Friend with Perks” is the person that you can sit and watch a basketball game with and then “get a massage” afterwards. This friendship is the most delicate because someone is bound to catch feelings eventually. It’s only natural. Believe it or not, it’s usually the man that catches feelings the hardest in situations like this. Communication is always key though. So just communicate CLEARLY that you are cool enough to swap fluids….just not THAT cool.

The “Happy” Friend is an absolutely essential friend in so many ways its ridiculous.. Some of the BEST advice I have ever recieved came from two of my closest homosexual male friends. Not only was it honest and uncensored, but VERY real. I admire a person who is comfortable being them…with no filler. (No pun) They always gave me excellent advice on what type of clothes accentuate my shape the best and how I could “please” my SigOther in ways I  never would’ve otherwise thought of on my own (ackward much?). I have also found that my homosexual friends in particular will be the absolute LAST friend to ever judge the things you do or say..I guess being judged constantly allows people to make it the first thing to put on the list of things NOT to do. #Takingnotes?

The Seasonal Friend is someone who floats in and out of your life every couple of months and has no real significance…at all. They are similar to a “frenemy” in that the only REAL reason for communication is usually one or more mutual friends or to find out what your doing in your life. These people may call you to go to out to a club with them…and then ignore your calls for the next 6 months. I also refer to these people as “circle hoppers”…just trying to get in where they best see fit with no REAL bond with anyone. See, I didnt even have much to say about them…thats JUST how unimportant they are.

The Facebook Friend– just that. They just help you kill time… If you THOUGHT we were BFF’s go #killyoself.

The Gossip Fountain is the absolute worst friend to have, but everyone has one or more in their life. It’s kind of like watching a car crash..you want to walk away, but something inside of you as a human wants to be a hero and save someone. Want to know who’s pregnant? They do. Want to know who can’t pay their bills? They do. Want to know who got cheated on? Yep, you guessed it. I was told by my father when I was younger that the people who gossip TO you, will eventually gossip ABOUT you. They smile in people’s faces and get in people’s business for the sole purpose of talking about it to everyone that will listen. These people usually have some of the greatest qualities, which is probably why anyone even associates with them at all. But they can NEVER be trusted, every word must be watched out of fear of the info getting into the wrong hands…or ALL hands for that matter. I have just learned that when talking with GF (gossip fountain) you just have to make sure you treat the conversation like you are talking to an audience…because you are. It’s always funny hearing them speak because it oozes with “I’m extremely insecure and have excessively low self-esteem, so I make myself feel better by announcing and discussing in depth all the flaws in other people’s lives…and then smile in their faces like i’m not.” A cold shower and extensive therapy would probably clear that up pretty quickly….”If you’re going to have two faces atleast make one of them pretty.”

– Written by: Ms. If-I-cared-about-your-feelings-I-wouldn’t- Blog-Wade

Did I miss any type of friends? Are you a REAL friend? Do people still value friendships? Is there ever really a standard for someone you consider a friend??

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Doing Too Muckin Fuch…

If you aren’t married…WHAT exactly is it that you are doing? That ’tis the question..“Are you doing the MOST?”

I talk to different people on a daily basis, some with different outlooks on life about things that I had never really given much thought before. I try to tell people of my age group to listen closely to older people who try to give advice, because in the end they are almost ALWAYS right in what they say. Odd as it may sound, I DON’T know everything, and yes, maybe….just maybe I dont think as deep in some situations as I should. Relationships for example, I may THINK I know what it is, I may THINK I know how it works, but in my twenty-something years of life: I DON’T. I was sent an email from one of my co workers of a video he saw on youtube..I know, some of you may be rolling your eyes and sucking your teeth, but this crazy unique guy Lewis H Williams III (google him!), had more than a few good points about being in a relationship…or lack thereof. Are you doing the MOST?? Peep the video:

..if you didn’t get a chance to watch it, I can sum up his point for you :

If you’re not married….YOU ARE SINGLE!

               His video made me think about my approach with the opposite species on a WHOLE ‘NOTHA LEVEL…Now, don’t get me wrong I have standards and I always try to think about the intentions of a situation before I waste invest time into it. But this video made what I had been trying to tell my peers for years CRYSTAL effin CLEAR: IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED, YOU ARE SINGLE. point blank..period. My generation puts so much effort and energy into the situations that have absolutely NO foundation and are as thin as the piece of paper they use to wipe their poo poo’s with. I couldn’t imagine being over the age of 18 and investing time and energy into a man for 2, 3, or even 4 years with no talks of marriage…no ring…nothing but words. Shacking up? Sharing bills? Playing the claim game? NOT SO MUCH. Now don’t get me wrong, I have a child with a man that I was never married too..we lived together, shared bills…but I have learned from that situation and have chosen to expect alot more from those I associate with, so as not to end up in the same situation again. (Did I mention I wasn’t perfect?) But I know people who will swear up and down they love the person they are living with, but when you ask them when they plan to marry said person that look like someone stuffed their mouth with a rotten pickle. In Lewis’ video the point that made the most sense to me was “casually dating” someone for three months and if the situation isn’t progressing..MOVE ON!. People my age are quick to put their lives on hold for a boyfriend/girlfriend…when in my honest opinion if that person were THAT important they would be married…or atleast planning it in the very near future, otherwise what are you doing???

I am not here to profess that my path is the perfect one, far from it. I am just here to let people mainly women know that if you are settling for crap you are bound to become just that…POO! People, if you’re not married to it…It’s not yours! You can’t claim your Boyfriend/Girlfriend on your taxes. You can’t move in with someone and live with them for years at time and expect for them to wake up one day and decide to marry you. (Unless you’re that one in million :thank you Aaliyah:) If your significant other cheats on you can you get mad? Of course. Do you have reason to? NOPE. Just break-up…after all…your not married.

Any thoughts on this topics? Does ANYONE agree with the fact that GOD only honors marriages? Is it pointless to be in a relationship for years without growth? Am I thinking to out-of-the-box?

Soundtrack of Life— Lesson #1:

            Its almost year’s end, as everyone is probably aware of this already, and I’ve been reflecting alot on my life, my past and my future. I love reading other blogs by people who have been doing this for awhile, and I considered doing something that I saw as a post on OneSmartBlack Man’s  My Two Cents Blog– A Soundtrack of Life. It made me wonder, if someone where to see my entire life up to this point, what feeling would they get about me? And even deeper, how do I feel about myself? What mood do I feel about the way things are going in my life right now, and where do I see it going? I try to be a kind of conscious individual, and I truly believe in constantly improving myself and my situation for the long run. This definitely won’t be the last, so enjoy my soundtrack for this period in my life…
Opening Credits: Kanye West – Champion
Waking Up: Sade – Cherish the Day
Average Day: Mary J. Blige – My Life
First Date: Jill Scott – Long Walk
Falling In Love: Talib Kweli- Never Been In Love
Love Scene: Foreign Exchange f/ Muhsinah – DayKeeper
Fight Scene: Mint Condition – Breaking My Heart
Breaking Up: Foreign Exchange – House of Cards
Getting Back Together: Chrisette Michelle – What you Do
Secret Love: Raphael Saadiq – Ask of You
Life’s Okay: Lil Wayne – Brand New
Mental Breakdown: Usher – Moving Mountains
Driving On: Goapele – Closer to My Dreams
Learning A Lesson: Mos Def – Priority
Deep Thought: 2Pac – Changes
Flashback: BrownStone – Grapevine
Partying: Gucci Mane – Wasted
Happy Dance: Lucy Pearl – Dance Tonight
Regretting: Aretha Franklin – A Rose
Long Night Alone: Chrisette Michelle – Blame It On Me
Death Scene: Drake – Last Hope
Closing Credits: Michael Jackson – Never Can Say GoodBye
SN: Thanks again OneSmartBlackMan….this really inspired me.
So who else has a good soundtrack? Or what song symbolizes a time in your life right now? Did this make anyone reflect on themselves?

League of “UN-extraordinary” Gentlemen

                                                                    “No bueno.”

             We are quickly approaching a New Year, 2010 is upon us. Thankfully, with a New Year brings new beginnings, new visions, new ways of thinking. I am not one to stand on a soap-box, declaring ALL men evil and undatable…but damn, in the DC area it’s almost impossible to find a “decent” man to call your own. “Decent” meaning not gay, involved seriously with someone, or without excessive baggage. These are hard times man..we are in a damn recession, so people need to buckle down and not waste time on these unnecessary leeches of time and energy. These men I have labeled…dun dun dun…The League of UN-extraordinary Gentlemen.

             These men are everywhere you are, sitting next to you in class, at the grocery store, or you may even be friends with them on Facebook, Twitter, or some other form of social crack media. I have had the personal disadvantage of being involved in some way with one or more of these characters, but fortunately I have the common sense to know how to not repeat my mistakes..(Thank you mom for the common sense lessons!) ..Whatever the case may be we as women need to know the signs to avoid and the nasty leeches to detach from permanently before they drain us of our youth and beauty. All need to be avoided like the plague, and some banished from society until further notice…do not pass go and DO NOT collect 200 dollars…

“Mr. Rebound”- This guy is anxoius to get over the ex that did him wrong. Prove a point. Settle a grudge. Whatever the case may be,  these particular men multiply like gremlins in this area. So anxoius to “dive deep” into another situation with a different female, they arent able to witness the weight of their own baggage. A female can usually notice a few key red flags within the first couple of weeks of going out with this guy. He may constantly make a point to detail all of the flaws his ex may have had, claiming that those were all the things he despised. Or he may be the weirdo that subconsciously describes all the things that you do that reminds him of her…In either case ditch this dodo bird. He is not worth the time or energy due to the fact that he is not over her, this situation is destined to no-where-fast-ville very quickly. THERE ARE SNAKES ON THIS PLANE!! 

“Mr. Afraid of Growing Up Committment” – In my opinion these men deserve the least amount of respect. Atleast the other men can get a mini pass due to the fact that their ignorance and lack of common sense is clouding their judgement. But this ninja right here is KNOWINGLY doing things to sabotage a situation, or lack thereof. SMH. This guy will do all the things a boyfriend would do and more, but will NEVER put a label on it out of “fear”. He will take the female out on dates, has deep conversations about life, even goes so far as being totally exclusive to said female. But mention the thought of a relationship and they lose it under the pressure like Tiger Woods behind the wheel of his SUV on the night he “dropped the ball”. I crack myself up.  But all jokes aside, I personally feel as though no one is afraid of committment, thats bull. This man is just a control freak, a control freak that wants someone else to be vulnerable and powerless while they manipulate the situation to their benefit. I.E, childish. This is a horrible cycle to break..boy meets girl, boy “acts” like a boyfriend to girl, girl falls for boy, boy backs away, girl stops investing time and loses respect for guy, guy feels threatened, and meets another girl to fall into the same cycle all over. The point to all of this is to run quickly from these guys..they need time to sit in a corner to wait until their balls drop a little more to take risks and learn lessons in life. Just sayin. You can’t take over the world Pinky, GET OVER IT.

“Mr. GQ” – This is the guy that feels like his brand new 2010 model Lexus, and condo in the city entitles him to any female he wants. Negative. They lack a grasp on reality, he is definitely “tricking cause he got it”. As attractive as these men may be and successful as he may seem, more than likely these are the ones that are the most insecure and are trying to feel a serious void. On top of that, he probably adores the attention females give him for all of his  material possesions, thus giving a reason not to commit. You may notice that he is constantly bragging about all of his irrelevant possessions, and more than likely has no real personality or depth. These guys try so hard to prove how much they can spend and what they have, that they dont realize that a conversation with them is like talking to your OBGYN during a regular exam. UGGGHH…what a waste.

“Mr. Disappearing Act”- I have never personally been in this situation but I have had conversations with females that have. How and why this occurs I may never know or care. But these guys are the ones who will go months without calling, texting, or even emailing..and then out of the blue will suddenly call wanting to “chill”. Where-they-do-that-at? Definitely not over here..thats ridiculous. Our generation has absolutely no couth or purpose sometimes. I jokingly told my friend that maybe the guy got kidnapped and was fighting for his life on some deserted island for months and that maybe  she was the first person he wanted to see when he swam to freedom. She didnt laugh.  #Kanyeshrug

“Mr. Last Year”- This situation is possibly due to some glitch in the matrix, and needs to be corrected ASAP. This is the ex that USE to be good and for some reason the situation ended. But over and over again he keeps coming back into the picture. Usually he hasn’t accepted the fact that you have let go, and due to the extreme comfortability of the situation you allow him to stay around. The situation is a recipe for disaster for all parties involved. Recycling men due to weakness is a no-go for 2010… Do like Whitney Houston did, just let it all go.

Are there any other men that need to be avoided like the plague? I’m sure women fall into these categories also, so men did I miss anything? Are there hybrids to these labels?

Congratulations…YOU suck!

“awwww…black love infactuation”

SO, maybe im not the easiest person to get along with. Or maybe my attitude ISNT at its best 24/7. Eh, maybe I CAN be a little rude and abbrasive to people when its not warranted. But, aside from all of those things i’ve learned alot from being single black female. IT SUCKS. Now, dont get me wrong, i’m not one of those females who falls into relationships to avoid being single. And lord KNOWs i’m definitely not one to thrive on male attention, or be bitter about past experiences that i’ve gone through with men. No bag lady am I. NOPE.  Behind all of the razor wire and cement lies a huge heart…AWW shut the hell up. And recently I have found someone to make me smile. Not smile like “aww he’s cute”, but really smile because i’m happy. deeply happy….”lol smiley face”. It may sound corny, but not alot of men these days are actual men gentlemen, and even more are in fear of communication. But miraculously I have found those things in this one person and then some. Maybe its a little early to say it will stay this way…but WHATEVS, i’m feeling good about it for now. But the point of this post is DEFINITELY not to gas his head up, but rather to explain some things i’ve learned about myself while going through this whole process of finding someone that makes me smile. He’s slowly melting my heart…Congratulations, YOU SUCK!

#1: Don’t stand in your own way.

Nothing is worse than seeing a female who will do anything to get a mans attention. Sleeping with a guy will definitely NOT make him walk away after humping a late night with you thinking “damn homie, i need to wife her RIGHT NOW!”. Chances are he is thinking the total opposite. Some females should just master being and loving themselves, because in the history of man real has ALWAYS recognized real. ALWAYS. Also, some people should be more optimistic in their lifestyles. Who wants to be with someone who is depressed and miserable all the damn time. I know I don’t, that ish is NOT whats hot in the streets. So please people, step out of the way of yourselves. Let someone break those walls of china down. ASAP.

#2: First impressions ARE important.

Think before you speak. Check your actions. Brush your teeth regularly. Iron your damn clothes! Although these things may sound very obvious, you would be so suprised at the number of people I know who dont know/do this. Whatever the occasion, always be prepared. As sad it may seem people judge you within the first 5 minutes of meeting you. How you carry yourself will make a huge impact on how people deal with you. Some people kill me thinking that they can fake and pretend their way into someone liking their personality. Fakeness has the stench of a effin skunk, so before you open your mouth with ish just make sure you brush your teeth afterwards. I commend a man who can be blatantly honest with me about things while still showing compassion (wink wink). It must be a learned skill..lol

#3: Don’t ignore the RED FLAGS!

If a man tells you he doesn’t want a girlfriend, and you know deep down you are looking for a relationship…RUN!

If a man tells you he has a crazy ex, and he can’t leave her alone because of X-Y-Z…RUN!

If he treats his momma like poo…RUN!

If he only calls you between the hours of 10pm-7am to come watch a “movie”…RUN!

Your intuition screams at you when something isn’t right, and more often than not if it doesnt sound/look/feel right it usually isn’t. So drop him like diddy’s pant..Just sayin.

#4: Keep your standards realistic.

Self-explanatory. You can’t walk into a luxury dealership with Hundai money and expect to walk out with a top of the line Bugatti. By no means am I saying settle for anyone with good D looks, I’m just stating that you can only ask for what you are giving. I’ve had so many conversations with females who will only want to date guys with degrees, nice cars, own place, no kids…BUT they stay with big mama, take the bus, and have 3 kids. CAH-RAZY. Enough said.

#5: NO ONE is perfect.

No man/woman is perfect. It’s just a matching game of which personalities fit together the best. Everyone makes mistakes, everyone has a past. Judging based on instances that occured before the person met you is so elementary. I live by the mantra “I am perfectly, imperfect”. So either like them or leave them alone. No one is a magical wizard, you CAN NOT change anyone but yourself. Take heed.

Anymore advice for those coping with single life? Did I miss any key elements of mastering the dating game? Does anyone agree with my key points? Is it different for men and women?

Why am I an Oreo?

:courtesy of urbandictionary.com:

    >Oreo:  A black person who is regarded as having adopted the attitudes, values, and behaviors thought to be     characteristics of middle class white society, often at the expense of his or her own heritage.<

SO I dare to ask this question again, Why am I an Oreo? Why do you feel the need to call me a freakin cookie? I’m a little confused as to why for some odd reason you have the neverending obsession with comparing me to the likeness of a piece of food? With creme filling?? Is it because I choose to talk PROPER english? Maybe it’s because I wear clothes that fit and arent disgustingly revealing? I don’t know, is it the way i walk? The way you envy the fact that I was taught to save  my money and spend it on things that will perhaps benefit me in some way in the future? Is it because I think about my future? Is it because I have a job that I’m certified in? Is it because instead of me pretending to be “down”, i continue to be myself? Is it because I don’t live in the city? Is the suburbs not good enough? Is it because I was taught to say deficate and urinate instead of being vulgar and rude? Is it because when I had basketball games and recitals in grade school BOTH parents showed up? Maybe its because of the way I react to stressful situations? Did my grades influence your decision? Or the fact that I graduated from highschool when I was supposed to? DOES IT MATTER? NOPE.

I’m sick of it, I’m not an Oreo! I’m someone who was taught that first impressions last a lifetime. I am a product of a household that instilled in me early in life the importance of upholding my family’s name. Often I wondered when I was young, if being an Oreo was something to be proud of. I mean, everyone said it to me and I never really understood the significance of the word. Black people should really try to give our race credit where it is certainly due. Our race has been in the forefront of entertainment, music [side eye] , sports, and most recently politics amongst many other realms for many years now. It’s crazy to me that instead of saying ” Gee, that young woman is doing well, I’m proud she is helping to lay the foundation for our generation”..all I hear is “umph, she talks/acts SO damn white..effin Oreo”. Gee, thanks. Black Power… #fail.

#kanyeshrug..oh well, your either considered Souljah Boy or Collin Powell…fluck it.

Peace..i’ve finally found it.

Sunday Morning, 11:37 am:

As I sit here basking in the warmth of this glorious fall morning, sipping on a mildly cooled mug of deliciousness that is Chai Latte with just a bit of vanilla and sprinkle of cinnamon to taste and smelling of heaven trapped in ceramic. The shade of my mother’s awning keeps the sun from blinding me, and the comfortable breeze of this fall day caresses me. Often I wonder how I became lucky enough to find peace while persistently being pushed and pulled into the cold arms of chaos. As I look just 10 ft away I see my toddler son eagerly chasing bubbles being blown through the air, as they drift with the wind it reminds me of my thoughts sometimes floating from my vicinity, vanishing into nothingness. He smiles with such delight anticipating what size bubbles the next breath of air may bring to his “magic wand”. Luckily, his young mind is not yet aware of the depth of this beautiful memory. I giggle slightly at the irony of our present situation. Still constantly reflecting on the times when just sitting and enjoying these special moments with my only baby boy were impossible. Nothing but yells, cursing and breaking glass could be heard in the tiny one bedroom apartment that housed a rabid lion constantly searching for prey. Wondering when I would have to protect myself and my offspring from the berating, throwing, and overwhelming stench of beer and cigarette smoke. Too many nights and an excessive amount of energy was spent on apologizing for imagined events and pleading for a chance to explain why things didn’t go as was asked of me. Not nearly enough time was given to the being whose presence forged this” union”. The one blessing I felt I had in life wasn’t receiving his owed appreciation from his mommy. Instead of my son being brought home to my ideal nurturing environment I had created in my mind for 9 months or more, his first stumble upon family was the equivalent of World War III. I praise the most high for the ability to see that the situation was not fit for a Queen and her Prince. The first opportunity of freedom and change afforded to me was accepted as our token to a new way of life, and it never tasted so sweet. I realized quickly that the tiny apartment that once housed a shambling family of three would soon be a figment of my imagination and only an unpleasant remembrance to my then infant son. We are now able to enjoy the whir of the fan in the bedroom while sleeping in late on a Saturday morning. Sunny days can now be spent outside enjoying the fresh air that fills our lungs for hours on trailed paths. At the age of two he makes it a purpose to smile at everything new, so contagious is the smile of  my baby boy. I hug and kiss him 2 zillion times a day just to feel his warm hands giving the small pat that most toddlers give. Kissing the small dimple on his right cheek, and telling him I love him forever and ever. This is peace for me, being able to see my son enjoy his childhood. He’s free to think about colors and shapes, and how many vanilla cookies he would like with lunch. I am thankful I was able to rid his life of chaos early, and blessed to not be stressed. There is reason for everything. As I sit here, continuously watching him pursue those translucent bubbles, while smiling broadly, and looking at me every so often to see if I’m still witnessing his accomplishments. I think to myself…..Yes sweetie, I am, and only one word comes to my mind: PEACE

SN: This post was written in response to the http://mybrownbaby.blogspot.com/2009/11/mybrownbaby-beautiful-mind-writing.html My Brown Baby Beautiful Mind Contest. Topic: Peace