Black Girl Rant #6: Like Crabs In A Bucket..

..some would rather kill themselves trying to keep others down, rather than to use that same effort to try to claw to the top with them. A shame.

I was just recently talking to a guy that I had met about 2 years ago. Of course the situation started out great, we just meshed. Or so it seemed. He turned out to be the most draining, needy, and manipulative individual I had ever met in my life. The crazy thing about the situation though was that I just couldn’t seem to leave him alone. He was such a parasite, and I knew it, but I just couldn’t pull myself away from the situation. I couldn’t let it go until finally he said to me over the phone…

I do just enough to keep you around. You’re a really good girl, but you know I ain’t ready to be in a relationship right now…I know I’m fucked up, but I don’t want you to go and find someone else…

o_O    really ninja?

That’s what’s hot in the streets?

Not only did this ignorant ass negroe not want to commit to me, he also was full of sh!t and knew it, AND he didn’t want me to meet someone a real man who would treat me right. Some people have the audacity to believe that their own emotional baggage is more important than anything else in their life, and is important to others as well. He made me laugh that day, and everyday after that. I promptly erased his number and suggested that he never call me again. Not in those words, but you get the point.  No one is ever worth giving up your happiness, you should never give anyone the power to pull you down to their negative level. It took me awhile to realize certain things, but I’m glad I eventually learned. Misery loves company….and when it knocks, I try not to be home.

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Day 60: 60 Day Challenge…

So, after reading so many blogs on life, love, love-lives, politics, and other things that after a while bore me to my bones, I’ve decided to challenge myself. With what you ask? With the words I put on my own blog. I thought to start a 60 day challenge, to not only learn more about myself, but also to see my own growth as a writer and thinker over the next 60 days. The topics may vary, and I know the length will too, but the main point I’m trying to make is to hopefully spark creativity in myself and others. I like to think of myself as pretty descriptive writer, so the goal over the next 60 days is to pull someone/ people in and let them know ME. Not the facade I WANT people to see, but the REAL me. Uncensored, uncut, and raw. Yes, I know what you’re thinking. No, I will not be pouring my heart and soul out every single day. But I will expose a side of me that few have seen. I hope to mature a little through this challenge. At the end of the day…”I’m talkin to the man in the mirror.”

Ignorance Is Bliss…

                                                                             #EPICFAIL

Gucci Mane..BuRR. Weed. “ICE”. Overuse and ownership of the word N!66a. Moniques’ LOUD ass. Wendy Williams…How YOU doin?. Sammy Sosa. Record Label Pyramid Schemes. Youtube. Souljah Boy. Nicki Minaj…Hirojuku Barbie. Menthol Cigarettes. Black and Mild’s. Colt 45. Steel Reserve. Pimped out cars. Autotune. Diddy. The Cleveland Show. Meet The Browns. Baby Mommas. Reggie Bush. Tiger Woods. Haters. Becky. Purp. Precious. Black embarassment Television. Crack. Kool- Aid….should I continue? …

I digress.

The above are not things I blame for the demise of african american culture, just merely the things that further prove how much of a step back our society as a whole is currently taking. Every generation has their problems. Slavery, rights, equality those are just the tip of the iceberg of the stuggles that took decades to overcome and are still overcoming. The difference between then and now is the obvious ignorance of this generations problems now. The fight is no longer us vs. “them”, but is now ironically us vs. “us”. I know I may get many eye rolls and side eyes for my views, but as a person who reads about different cultures and beliefs I see more and more how sad the black race is becoming. We are probably one of very few races who is content with just “being”. We have had MANY accomplishments and milestones that very few have had the abiltity to achieve, but for every high there is a devestating low. Maybe I’m just speaking with no filter. so shoot me. Yes, it’s true, EVERY race has their downfalls…no one on God’s green earth is perfect. But dammit, there has to come a point when blacks come together to form a formidable alliance and not strive to become the most iciest.. BURR wealthy. Wealth is important in terms of influence, but knowledge is key to hold that power.

This rant was sparked by a conversation I had with some friends a couple of weeks ago. We were discussing something small and mundane, probably how devastingly hot it was after being so cold for so long gotta love the East Coast! But we got on the topic of politics and Obama:

Me: Did you read about Obama passing the healthcare bill? ..This is a historical moment for the United States.

Mr. No No: Nah,but I’ve heard bits and pieces.

Me: O ok, so from what you heard how do you feel about it?

Mr. No No: Free is always good…I dont give a damn as long as Obama approves it, I’M GOOD!

Me :side eye: seriously?

I can’t understand for the life of me how someone can know Gucci Mane’s ENTIRE Biographical history and every word to every mixtape he’s ever made, but won’t open a book to research topics that could potentially affect them FOR THE REST OF THEIR LIVES’ !!! O yea, I know why.

             So in essence, I just find it to be my civic duty to try and push my culture and generation forward and not help in the steady spiral backwards. Even if I affect a handful, its better than destroying the mentality of one.

Does anyone else feel like the images we view on a daily basis are detrimental? Is there any hope left? How do you help to better this generation?

Doing Too Muckin Fuch…

If you aren’t married…WHAT exactly is it that you are doing? That ’tis the question..“Are you doing the MOST?”

I talk to different people on a daily basis, some with different outlooks on life about things that I had never really given much thought before. I try to tell people of my age group to listen closely to older people who try to give advice, because in the end they are almost ALWAYS right in what they say. Odd as it may sound, I DON’T know everything, and yes, maybe….just maybe I dont think as deep in some situations as I should. Relationships for example, I may THINK I know what it is, I may THINK I know how it works, but in my twenty-something years of life: I DON’T. I was sent an email from one of my co workers of a video he saw on youtube..I know, some of you may be rolling your eyes and sucking your teeth, but this crazy unique guy Lewis H Williams III (google him!), had more than a few good points about being in a relationship…or lack thereof. Are you doing the MOST?? Peep the video:

..if you didn’t get a chance to watch it, I can sum up his point for you :

If you’re not married….YOU ARE SINGLE!

               His video made me think about my approach with the opposite species on a WHOLE ‘NOTHA LEVEL…Now, don’t get me wrong I have standards and I always try to think about the intentions of a situation before I waste invest time into it. But this video made what I had been trying to tell my peers for years CRYSTAL effin CLEAR: IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED, YOU ARE SINGLE. point blank..period. My generation puts so much effort and energy into the situations that have absolutely NO foundation and are as thin as the piece of paper they use to wipe their poo poo’s with. I couldn’t imagine being over the age of 18 and investing time and energy into a man for 2, 3, or even 4 years with no talks of marriage…no ring…nothing but words. Shacking up? Sharing bills? Playing the claim game? NOT SO MUCH. Now don’t get me wrong, I have a child with a man that I was never married too..we lived together, shared bills…but I have learned from that situation and have chosen to expect alot more from those I associate with, so as not to end up in the same situation again. (Did I mention I wasn’t perfect?) But I know people who will swear up and down they love the person they are living with, but when you ask them when they plan to marry said person that look like someone stuffed their mouth with a rotten pickle. In Lewis’ video the point that made the most sense to me was “casually dating” someone for three months and if the situation isn’t progressing..MOVE ON!. People my age are quick to put their lives on hold for a boyfriend/girlfriend…when in my honest opinion if that person were THAT important they would be married…or atleast planning it in the very near future, otherwise what are you doing???

I am not here to profess that my path is the perfect one, far from it. I am just here to let people mainly women know that if you are settling for crap you are bound to become just that…POO! People, if you’re not married to it…It’s not yours! You can’t claim your Boyfriend/Girlfriend on your taxes. You can’t move in with someone and live with them for years at time and expect for them to wake up one day and decide to marry you. (Unless you’re that one in million :thank you Aaliyah:) If your significant other cheats on you can you get mad? Of course. Do you have reason to? NOPE. Just break-up…after all…your not married.

Any thoughts on this topics? Does ANYONE agree with the fact that GOD only honors marriages? Is it pointless to be in a relationship for years without growth? Am I thinking to out-of-the-box?

Soundtrack of Life— Lesson #1:

            Its almost year’s end, as everyone is probably aware of this already, and I’ve been reflecting alot on my life, my past and my future. I love reading other blogs by people who have been doing this for awhile, and I considered doing something that I saw as a post on OneSmartBlack Man’s  My Two Cents Blog– A Soundtrack of Life. It made me wonder, if someone where to see my entire life up to this point, what feeling would they get about me? And even deeper, how do I feel about myself? What mood do I feel about the way things are going in my life right now, and where do I see it going? I try to be a kind of conscious individual, and I truly believe in constantly improving myself and my situation for the long run. This definitely won’t be the last, so enjoy my soundtrack for this period in my life…
Opening Credits: Kanye West – Champion
Waking Up: Sade – Cherish the Day
Average Day: Mary J. Blige – My Life
First Date: Jill Scott – Long Walk
Falling In Love: Talib Kweli- Never Been In Love
Love Scene: Foreign Exchange f/ Muhsinah – DayKeeper
Fight Scene: Mint Condition – Breaking My Heart
Breaking Up: Foreign Exchange – House of Cards
Getting Back Together: Chrisette Michelle – What you Do
Secret Love: Raphael Saadiq – Ask of You
Life’s Okay: Lil Wayne – Brand New
Mental Breakdown: Usher – Moving Mountains
Driving On: Goapele – Closer to My Dreams
Learning A Lesson: Mos Def – Priority
Deep Thought: 2Pac – Changes
Flashback: BrownStone – Grapevine
Partying: Gucci Mane – Wasted
Happy Dance: Lucy Pearl – Dance Tonight
Regretting: Aretha Franklin – A Rose
Long Night Alone: Chrisette Michelle – Blame It On Me
Death Scene: Drake – Last Hope
Closing Credits: Michael Jackson – Never Can Say GoodBye
SN: Thanks again OneSmartBlackMan….this really inspired me.
So who else has a good soundtrack? Or what song symbolizes a time in your life right now? Did this make anyone reflect on themselves?

League of “UN-extraordinary” Gentlemen

                                                                    “No bueno.”

             We are quickly approaching a New Year, 2010 is upon us. Thankfully, with a New Year brings new beginnings, new visions, new ways of thinking. I am not one to stand on a soap-box, declaring ALL men evil and undatable…but damn, in the DC area it’s almost impossible to find a “decent” man to call your own. “Decent” meaning not gay, involved seriously with someone, or without excessive baggage. These are hard times man..we are in a damn recession, so people need to buckle down and not waste time on these unnecessary leeches of time and energy. These men I have labeled…dun dun dun…The League of UN-extraordinary Gentlemen.

             These men are everywhere you are, sitting next to you in class, at the grocery store, or you may even be friends with them on Facebook, Twitter, or some other form of social crack media. I have had the personal disadvantage of being involved in some way with one or more of these characters, but fortunately I have the common sense to know how to not repeat my mistakes..(Thank you mom for the common sense lessons!) ..Whatever the case may be we as women need to know the signs to avoid and the nasty leeches to detach from permanently before they drain us of our youth and beauty. All need to be avoided like the plague, and some banished from society until further notice…do not pass go and DO NOT collect 200 dollars…

“Mr. Rebound”- This guy is anxoius to get over the ex that did him wrong. Prove a point. Settle a grudge. Whatever the case may be,  these particular men multiply like gremlins in this area. So anxoius to “dive deep” into another situation with a different female, they arent able to witness the weight of their own baggage. A female can usually notice a few key red flags within the first couple of weeks of going out with this guy. He may constantly make a point to detail all of the flaws his ex may have had, claiming that those were all the things he despised. Or he may be the weirdo that subconsciously describes all the things that you do that reminds him of her…In either case ditch this dodo bird. He is not worth the time or energy due to the fact that he is not over her, this situation is destined to no-where-fast-ville very quickly. THERE ARE SNAKES ON THIS PLANE!! 

“Mr. Afraid of Growing Up Committment” – In my opinion these men deserve the least amount of respect. Atleast the other men can get a mini pass due to the fact that their ignorance and lack of common sense is clouding their judgement. But this ninja right here is KNOWINGLY doing things to sabotage a situation, or lack thereof. SMH. This guy will do all the things a boyfriend would do and more, but will NEVER put a label on it out of “fear”. He will take the female out on dates, has deep conversations about life, even goes so far as being totally exclusive to said female. But mention the thought of a relationship and they lose it under the pressure like Tiger Woods behind the wheel of his SUV on the night he “dropped the ball”. I crack myself up.  But all jokes aside, I personally feel as though no one is afraid of committment, thats bull. This man is just a control freak, a control freak that wants someone else to be vulnerable and powerless while they manipulate the situation to their benefit. I.E, childish. This is a horrible cycle to break..boy meets girl, boy “acts” like a boyfriend to girl, girl falls for boy, boy backs away, girl stops investing time and loses respect for guy, guy feels threatened, and meets another girl to fall into the same cycle all over. The point to all of this is to run quickly from these guys..they need time to sit in a corner to wait until their balls drop a little more to take risks and learn lessons in life. Just sayin. You can’t take over the world Pinky, GET OVER IT.

“Mr. GQ” – This is the guy that feels like his brand new 2010 model Lexus, and condo in the city entitles him to any female he wants. Negative. They lack a grasp on reality, he is definitely “tricking cause he got it”. As attractive as these men may be and successful as he may seem, more than likely these are the ones that are the most insecure and are trying to feel a serious void. On top of that, he probably adores the attention females give him for all of his  material possesions, thus giving a reason not to commit. You may notice that he is constantly bragging about all of his irrelevant possessions, and more than likely has no real personality or depth. These guys try so hard to prove how much they can spend and what they have, that they dont realize that a conversation with them is like talking to your OBGYN during a regular exam. UGGGHH…what a waste.

“Mr. Disappearing Act”- I have never personally been in this situation but I have had conversations with females that have. How and why this occurs I may never know or care. But these guys are the ones who will go months without calling, texting, or even emailing..and then out of the blue will suddenly call wanting to “chill”. Where-they-do-that-at? Definitely not over here..thats ridiculous. Our generation has absolutely no couth or purpose sometimes. I jokingly told my friend that maybe the guy got kidnapped and was fighting for his life on some deserted island for months and that maybe  she was the first person he wanted to see when he swam to freedom. She didnt laugh.  #Kanyeshrug

“Mr. Last Year”- This situation is possibly due to some glitch in the matrix, and needs to be corrected ASAP. This is the ex that USE to be good and for some reason the situation ended. But over and over again he keeps coming back into the picture. Usually he hasn’t accepted the fact that you have let go, and due to the extreme comfortability of the situation you allow him to stay around. The situation is a recipe for disaster for all parties involved. Recycling men due to weakness is a no-go for 2010… Do like Whitney Houston did, just let it all go.

Are there any other men that need to be avoided like the plague? I’m sure women fall into these categories also, so men did I miss anything? Are there hybrids to these labels?

And you say he’s just a friend..

This is a really well written and informative article I ran across at clugmagonline.com. I never pass up the opportunity to retain knowledge and wisdom from outside sources, it helps. I encourage everyone reading this to grasp the jewels needed for life. 

Enjoy:

And You Say He’s Just A Friend

Monday Nov 23, 2009 – By Alaina L. Lewis

Love used to start out with the same ole scenario that carefully played out over the harmonious chirps of a blue bird fluttering high in the clear blue sky. Boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, boy and girl hit it off, then boy breaks out the knee pads and pops the question. Err– maybe back in 1983.

It’s 2009 Ladies. It seems like you can barely get a man to pick his chin up off the floor after he’s made a mistake so I wouldn’t be one to assume he’s “gentleman” enough to stoop down to make any statement of importance. Unless by chance they’re playing Get Low in a local nightclub and he’s the type who is constantly victimized by the rhythm and the beat. (See Dave Chappelle’s White People Dancing).

Face it, we’re living in the modern era, when the ideas and practices of yesteryear are about as old school as waiting until marriage to swap more than spit or exchange front door keys.

So as love changes and the normal rules become a hesitant action, so do the channels we must go through to find a mate who’s ready to comply with our virtuous plan.

So what happens when you actually meet that man of your dreams and you’re unsure of his agenda or confused about his long-term intentions when considering his rules of the game? Is he all about booty calls, temporary love affairs, open-ended relationships, short-term thrills and chills, or is there anyone out here that still believes in playing for keeps?

(Of course… and please give them my number if you come across one. Thank you.)

But seriously, the one thing I will say for certain that goes without a doubt when discerning whether your potential Prince is worth more than the 5 minutes he invests in the bedroom after splitting the cost of theater popcorn or the tab at your favorite restaurant, is that the words he sows, are about as matter of fact as the statements he’s not making pertaining to his participation in the “real-lationship.”

If a man says he’s just a “friend” and is not looking for anything more at the present moment, then the only thing you need to question is why you’re assuming that you can change his perspective, if that’s your mission at the present time.

For some reason many of us look at the “friend” barrier like climbing the wall during basic training: a small challenge that will lead to a victorious outcome. We take the statement lightly, canoodle ’til our hearts desire, live for the moment and dare to cross those physical boundaries, all the while being met by a mutual response from a man who’d never turn down candy for a carrot.

Needless to say, we find ours hearts latching on to their actions and begin to believe the hype associated with any clever opportunist, which is what they are, while pretending as if his “friend” statement was just a defense against hurt. Remember, no man is dumb enough to pass on what you’re willing to hand out freely when knowing his position to remain uncommitted from the very beginning.

I don’t care how good your nookie is or if you can burn a mean casserole, while simultaneously flushing a car engine, and juggling tree (three) jobs like your Jamaican neighbor. When going on that quest to make a man eat his words and rush to love, you’d probably have better luck finding the lost city of Atlantis.

No matter how many times you try to impress your “friend” with your caring heart, or argue your point in a heated debate about taking the friendship to the next level, the only person who stands to get hurt is the one who has the expectations apart from the initial understanding.

Side stepping on that truth is what has us pissed off when we see our wannabe Romeo arm and arm with another chick in a sailor suit threatening to rock the boat we swore we had anchored at our dock.

Even worse, don’t be surprised if you were hanging on for years and he up and marries a woman he just met a couple months ago, who as the saying goes, is “everything you’re not” to him or just somehow made an impression in an hour that you had spent months trying imprint on him.

Whether a man means what he says or is just playing hard to get, the only thing that can come from taking a risk like dating a “friend” is the ladder of potential hurt that stems from assuming it’s all in the bag when we’re figuring that we’ve got the “stuff” that he needs to make him change his heart on the situation.

Remember, men usually know what they want and rarely pass on their desires to let someone else have a chance at their target. PREACH! Men know exactly what it is they want, if a man sees you as a “diamond” and believes everything about you is beautiful….why would he want to keep you on the market for other men to have the opportunity to see your beauty? With no title people are still available to search for other options. Don’t assume and prolong a deadend situation.

Don’t give the obligation you have to your heart to someone who doesn’t want to be in your heart or protect it from pain.

When they say they’re not interested in a relationship they’re letting you know that either they’re not ready for love, or you’re not the love they’re ready for or interested in. Either way, hope for the best..and prepare for the worst.

It’s not our duty to wait on them. It’s our right to be chosen. So if he says he’s just a friend, then it is your job to protect your feelings and keep it that way.