Black Girl Rant #6: Like Crabs In A Bucket..

..some would rather kill themselves trying to keep others down, rather than to use that same effort to try to claw to the top with them. A shame.

I was just recently talking to a guy that I had met about 2 years ago. Of course the situation started out great, we just meshed. Or so it seemed. He turned out to be the most draining, needy, and manipulative individual I had ever met in my life. The crazy thing about the situation though was that I just couldn’t seem to leave him alone. He was such a parasite, and I knew it, but I just couldn’t pull myself away from the situation. I couldn’t let it go until finally he said to me over the phone…

I do just enough to keep you around. You’re a really good girl, but you know I ain’t ready to be in a relationship right now…I know I’m fucked up, but I don’t want you to go and find someone else…

o_O    really ninja?

That’s what’s hot in the streets?

Not only did this ignorant ass negroe not want to commit to me, he also was full of sh!t and knew it, AND he didn’t want me to meet someone a real man who would treat me right. Some people have the audacity to believe that their own emotional baggage is more important than anything else in their life, and is important to others as well. He made me laugh that day, and everyday after that. I promptly erased his number and suggested that he never call me again. Not in those words, but you get the point.  No one is ever worth giving up your happiness, you should never give anyone the power to pull you down to their negative level. It took me awhile to realize certain things, but I’m glad I eventually learned. Misery loves company….and when it knocks, I try not to be home.

Advertisements

Woman in the Mirror…#2

“He that conceals his grief, finds no remedy for it.

Dante P.,

         It’s almost been a year, and it still feels like Feb.4th was just yesterday. I can still smell your cologne sometimes when I walk through my apartment door after work. Somedays it makes me smile, sometimes it brings to me to my knees in pain. I just erased your phone number from my phone 3 months ago, because I feared that if you texted me I wouldn’t recognize the number. I saved all your text messages so that I could think and cry about all the things we would talk about. If I sit and try I can make myself remember everything verbatim, because in some weird way my worst fear is forgetting anything at all about you. When I first came to the realization that you were gone, it was hard for me to find happiness in anything. I didn’t want to smile. I didn’t want to eat. I did that because I thought that was how you would want it, I thought it would be easier that way. It wasn’t, and now I know you would say “Man, don’t worry about me Chula…I’m good.”

It took me a while to find some sort of closure, I’m writing this letter to you just so you can see that I’m growing. To show you that I DO value the lessons you taught me, and how to control my emotions and feelings to do good and spread it as far as I can. I never had the chance to let you know that how you would tell me you felt for me, I felt the same way. My pride wouldn’t let me admit to you that I had fallen hard. But you being gone has let me know that my pride don’t mean shit when I can’t say those words to you in this lifetime. You were there for me at my lowest point in my life, when no one else..friends or family were there. I constantly feel like I let you down. I wish I would have listened to your cries for help when you would tell me that you were drunk at 8 in the morning. Or when you would want to come to my house just to watch TV for hours with me and Devin. At the time, I thought you were just doing that because you were bored and needed a warm body near you. You weren’t..you were crying out for someone to care. I did..and still do. I treasure those memories with my life, and no one can EVER take those away from me. 

I still wish our last conversation was on good terms. I wish I hadn’t let you leave my house angry and mad at me. I wish when you told me to “value my friendships, bridges burned are hard to repair” I wouldv’e listened. I can’t. It kills me everday that you left this earth with ill feelings of me in your mind and heart. It burns me up that my ego wouldn’t let me admit that you were right, and just to let it go. I’m crying like a baby while typing this. My heart has been heavy for so long, and this is my way of finally letting you know I’m letting the hurt go…finally. For months you would be the first thing I thought of when I woke up, and my last thought before I went to sleep. I was left staring at old pictures and saying the things I wish I would’ve said when you were here. I learned in this last year since you’ve been gone, that you were wise above your years…and hurting so deeply inside. You have taught me the greatest lesson in life. ….I don’t just want you to rest in peace, but to also rest in my heart.

Dante Alexander Paire- Aug.7.1986-Feb.4.2009 

Doing Too Muckin Fuch…

If you aren’t married…WHAT exactly is it that you are doing? That ’tis the question..“Are you doing the MOST?”

I talk to different people on a daily basis, some with different outlooks on life about things that I had never really given much thought before. I try to tell people of my age group to listen closely to older people who try to give advice, because in the end they are almost ALWAYS right in what they say. Odd as it may sound, I DON’T know everything, and yes, maybe….just maybe I dont think as deep in some situations as I should. Relationships for example, I may THINK I know what it is, I may THINK I know how it works, but in my twenty-something years of life: I DON’T. I was sent an email from one of my co workers of a video he saw on youtube..I know, some of you may be rolling your eyes and sucking your teeth, but this crazy unique guy Lewis H Williams III (google him!), had more than a few good points about being in a relationship…or lack thereof. Are you doing the MOST?? Peep the video:

..if you didn’t get a chance to watch it, I can sum up his point for you :

If you’re not married….YOU ARE SINGLE!

               His video made me think about my approach with the opposite species on a WHOLE ‘NOTHA LEVEL…Now, don’t get me wrong I have standards and I always try to think about the intentions of a situation before I waste invest time into it. But this video made what I had been trying to tell my peers for years CRYSTAL effin CLEAR: IF YOU ARE NOT MARRIED, YOU ARE SINGLE. point blank..period. My generation puts so much effort and energy into the situations that have absolutely NO foundation and are as thin as the piece of paper they use to wipe their poo poo’s with. I couldn’t imagine being over the age of 18 and investing time and energy into a man for 2, 3, or even 4 years with no talks of marriage…no ring…nothing but words. Shacking up? Sharing bills? Playing the claim game? NOT SO MUCH. Now don’t get me wrong, I have a child with a man that I was never married too..we lived together, shared bills…but I have learned from that situation and have chosen to expect alot more from those I associate with, so as not to end up in the same situation again. (Did I mention I wasn’t perfect?) But I know people who will swear up and down they love the person they are living with, but when you ask them when they plan to marry said person that look like someone stuffed their mouth with a rotten pickle. In Lewis’ video the point that made the most sense to me was “casually dating” someone for three months and if the situation isn’t progressing..MOVE ON!. People my age are quick to put their lives on hold for a boyfriend/girlfriend…when in my honest opinion if that person were THAT important they would be married…or atleast planning it in the very near future, otherwise what are you doing???

I am not here to profess that my path is the perfect one, far from it. I am just here to let people mainly women know that if you are settling for crap you are bound to become just that…POO! People, if you’re not married to it…It’s not yours! You can’t claim your Boyfriend/Girlfriend on your taxes. You can’t move in with someone and live with them for years at time and expect for them to wake up one day and decide to marry you. (Unless you’re that one in million :thank you Aaliyah:) If your significant other cheats on you can you get mad? Of course. Do you have reason to? NOPE. Just break-up…after all…your not married.

Any thoughts on this topics? Does ANYONE agree with the fact that GOD only honors marriages? Is it pointless to be in a relationship for years without growth? Am I thinking to out-of-the-box?

And you say he’s just a friend..

This is a really well written and informative article I ran across at clugmagonline.com. I never pass up the opportunity to retain knowledge and wisdom from outside sources, it helps. I encourage everyone reading this to grasp the jewels needed for life. 

Enjoy:

And You Say He’s Just A Friend

Monday Nov 23, 2009 – By Alaina L. Lewis

Love used to start out with the same ole scenario that carefully played out over the harmonious chirps of a blue bird fluttering high in the clear blue sky. Boy meets girl, boy asks girl out, boy and girl hit it off, then boy breaks out the knee pads and pops the question. Err– maybe back in 1983.

It’s 2009 Ladies. It seems like you can barely get a man to pick his chin up off the floor after he’s made a mistake so I wouldn’t be one to assume he’s “gentleman” enough to stoop down to make any statement of importance. Unless by chance they’re playing Get Low in a local nightclub and he’s the type who is constantly victimized by the rhythm and the beat. (See Dave Chappelle’s White People Dancing).

Face it, we’re living in the modern era, when the ideas and practices of yesteryear are about as old school as waiting until marriage to swap more than spit or exchange front door keys.

So as love changes and the normal rules become a hesitant action, so do the channels we must go through to find a mate who’s ready to comply with our virtuous plan.

So what happens when you actually meet that man of your dreams and you’re unsure of his agenda or confused about his long-term intentions when considering his rules of the game? Is he all about booty calls, temporary love affairs, open-ended relationships, short-term thrills and chills, or is there anyone out here that still believes in playing for keeps?

(Of course… and please give them my number if you come across one. Thank you.)

But seriously, the one thing I will say for certain that goes without a doubt when discerning whether your potential Prince is worth more than the 5 minutes he invests in the bedroom after splitting the cost of theater popcorn or the tab at your favorite restaurant, is that the words he sows, are about as matter of fact as the statements he’s not making pertaining to his participation in the “real-lationship.”

If a man says he’s just a “friend” and is not looking for anything more at the present moment, then the only thing you need to question is why you’re assuming that you can change his perspective, if that’s your mission at the present time.

For some reason many of us look at the “friend” barrier like climbing the wall during basic training: a small challenge that will lead to a victorious outcome. We take the statement lightly, canoodle ’til our hearts desire, live for the moment and dare to cross those physical boundaries, all the while being met by a mutual response from a man who’d never turn down candy for a carrot.

Needless to say, we find ours hearts latching on to their actions and begin to believe the hype associated with any clever opportunist, which is what they are, while pretending as if his “friend” statement was just a defense against hurt. Remember, no man is dumb enough to pass on what you’re willing to hand out freely when knowing his position to remain uncommitted from the very beginning.

I don’t care how good your nookie is or if you can burn a mean casserole, while simultaneously flushing a car engine, and juggling tree (three) jobs like your Jamaican neighbor. When going on that quest to make a man eat his words and rush to love, you’d probably have better luck finding the lost city of Atlantis.

No matter how many times you try to impress your “friend” with your caring heart, or argue your point in a heated debate about taking the friendship to the next level, the only person who stands to get hurt is the one who has the expectations apart from the initial understanding.

Side stepping on that truth is what has us pissed off when we see our wannabe Romeo arm and arm with another chick in a sailor suit threatening to rock the boat we swore we had anchored at our dock.

Even worse, don’t be surprised if you were hanging on for years and he up and marries a woman he just met a couple months ago, who as the saying goes, is “everything you’re not” to him or just somehow made an impression in an hour that you had spent months trying imprint on him.

Whether a man means what he says or is just playing hard to get, the only thing that can come from taking a risk like dating a “friend” is the ladder of potential hurt that stems from assuming it’s all in the bag when we’re figuring that we’ve got the “stuff” that he needs to make him change his heart on the situation.

Remember, men usually know what they want and rarely pass on their desires to let someone else have a chance at their target. PREACH! Men know exactly what it is they want, if a man sees you as a “diamond” and believes everything about you is beautiful….why would he want to keep you on the market for other men to have the opportunity to see your beauty? With no title people are still available to search for other options. Don’t assume and prolong a deadend situation.

Don’t give the obligation you have to your heart to someone who doesn’t want to be in your heart or protect it from pain.

When they say they’re not interested in a relationship they’re letting you know that either they’re not ready for love, or you’re not the love they’re ready for or interested in. Either way, hope for the best..and prepare for the worst.

It’s not our duty to wait on them. It’s our right to be chosen. So if he says he’s just a friend, then it is your job to protect your feelings and keep it that way.

Somebody had to say it..

I have a couple of things to rant about today. Geezus, so much has been going on in this rollercoaster of a life of mine. People coming and going out of craziness, all this crazy ish in the media, the people I meet…..:sigh: But although I see so much, I try so hard to keep my compusure and remain professional at all times, because in reality I am in no position to judge ANYONE. :cough:bullshint:cough: But urrrummm yea..and heeeerrre we go:

Insecure Men/Women-

Why, oh why did someone appoint me the official magnet of wackdom? I mean damn, is there a sticky note on my back attracting all those deemed unworthy of confidence?? I always feel like the wackest men try to date , and the wackest women often hate. Now by wack I mean insecure, and by insecure I mean need to stay-at-home-on-the-couch-sitting-indian-style-watching-bambi-while-eating-popcorn type issues. The issues that make you want to slap them until they black out. YES. I mean really, I personally feel I am too damn old for a guy to be worried about what I’m doing when I’m not in his presence. Not everyone cheats, and if a guy doesnt trust  females based on past experiences, he may need to let his  balls guard drop enough to realize the world is NOT, I repeat, is NOT against him..just me. :jay-z-on to the next one: Females, :sigh:.. its become a trend for females to constantly pick apart a fellow female they see in the club, mall, gas station, eh..even church. Does it make you look anymore attractive than what you did before you talked ish? NOT so much. Does it really matter that her jeans are too tight and she can hardly breathe? NOPE. Does it affect you that she’s wearing a lace front hat wig that talks to you when u look at it too hard cough:beyonce:cough:? NOPE. My point exactly. GROW UP.

Rihanna vs. Chris Brown aka WWIII-

Yes, I watched the damn 20/20 interview. Yes, it further made me realize how much I dislike her. And YES I will STILL buy Graffiti when it comes out in Dec. I’m just gonna keep this short and sweet. FIRST OF ALL, the whole fight that night occured over a TEXT MESSAGE! ..SMH..Which further proves my insecure male/female argument above. i.e grown up! SECOND, I absolutely agree that Chris Brown was 100% wrong for beating that girl the way he did. But like my father told me growing up: you give a lick, you take a lick- and by lick I mean hit (pause) So, if she felt froggy enough to jump up, she got taught a VERY valuable lesson that night….(just sayin)

:drops the mic, and walks away slowly with my middle finger in the air:

Sammy Sosa-

SMH. When Martin Luther King said for all black and white people to come together as one, he definitely didn’t mean in the same body Sammy.No effin words.

Invented Sex Video- Trey Songs aka yes-I-would-anyday-of-the-week!

I would first like to say that I was formerly a bordering Trey Songs fan, due to the fact that he changed alot from when he first came on the scene. But this video…”this ish right heeeere n!gga”….MAN! I commend him as an artist, because he sings beautifully. But I swear I cant watch it more than once in a week. Enough said, I need a cold shower.

SN: the lesson for the day is – 1. Grow up! 2. keep your hands to yourself. 3. BLACK is beautiful 4. Yes, I did. Go ahead, admit it…lol

Why am I an Oreo?

:courtesy of urbandictionary.com:

    >Oreo:  A black person who is regarded as having adopted the attitudes, values, and behaviors thought to be     characteristics of middle class white society, often at the expense of his or her own heritage.<

SO I dare to ask this question again, Why am I an Oreo? Why do you feel the need to call me a freakin cookie? I’m a little confused as to why for some odd reason you have the neverending obsession with comparing me to the likeness of a piece of food? With creme filling?? Is it because I choose to talk PROPER english? Maybe it’s because I wear clothes that fit and arent disgustingly revealing? I don’t know, is it the way i walk? The way you envy the fact that I was taught to save  my money and spend it on things that will perhaps benefit me in some way in the future? Is it because I think about my future? Is it because I have a job that I’m certified in? Is it because instead of me pretending to be “down”, i continue to be myself? Is it because I don’t live in the city? Is the suburbs not good enough? Is it because I was taught to say deficate and urinate instead of being vulgar and rude? Is it because when I had basketball games and recitals in grade school BOTH parents showed up? Maybe its because of the way I react to stressful situations? Did my grades influence your decision? Or the fact that I graduated from highschool when I was supposed to? DOES IT MATTER? NOPE.

I’m sick of it, I’m not an Oreo! I’m someone who was taught that first impressions last a lifetime. I am a product of a household that instilled in me early in life the importance of upholding my family’s name. Often I wondered when I was young, if being an Oreo was something to be proud of. I mean, everyone said it to me and I never really understood the significance of the word. Black people should really try to give our race credit where it is certainly due. Our race has been in the forefront of entertainment, music [side eye] , sports, and most recently politics amongst many other realms for many years now. It’s crazy to me that instead of saying ” Gee, that young woman is doing well, I’m proud she is helping to lay the foundation for our generation”..all I hear is “umph, she talks/acts SO damn white..effin Oreo”. Gee, thanks. Black Power… #fail.

#kanyeshrug..oh well, your either considered Souljah Boy or Collin Powell…fluck it.

Peace..i’ve finally found it.

Sunday Morning, 11:37 am:

As I sit here basking in the warmth of this glorious fall morning, sipping on a mildly cooled mug of deliciousness that is Chai Latte with just a bit of vanilla and sprinkle of cinnamon to taste and smelling of heaven trapped in ceramic. The shade of my mother’s awning keeps the sun from blinding me, and the comfortable breeze of this fall day caresses me. Often I wonder how I became lucky enough to find peace while persistently being pushed and pulled into the cold arms of chaos. As I look just 10 ft away I see my toddler son eagerly chasing bubbles being blown through the air, as they drift with the wind it reminds me of my thoughts sometimes floating from my vicinity, vanishing into nothingness. He smiles with such delight anticipating what size bubbles the next breath of air may bring to his “magic wand”. Luckily, his young mind is not yet aware of the depth of this beautiful memory. I giggle slightly at the irony of our present situation. Still constantly reflecting on the times when just sitting and enjoying these special moments with my only baby boy were impossible. Nothing but yells, cursing and breaking glass could be heard in the tiny one bedroom apartment that housed a rabid lion constantly searching for prey. Wondering when I would have to protect myself and my offspring from the berating, throwing, and overwhelming stench of beer and cigarette smoke. Too many nights and an excessive amount of energy was spent on apologizing for imagined events and pleading for a chance to explain why things didn’t go as was asked of me. Not nearly enough time was given to the being whose presence forged this” union”. The one blessing I felt I had in life wasn’t receiving his owed appreciation from his mommy. Instead of my son being brought home to my ideal nurturing environment I had created in my mind for 9 months or more, his first stumble upon family was the equivalent of World War III. I praise the most high for the ability to see that the situation was not fit for a Queen and her Prince. The first opportunity of freedom and change afforded to me was accepted as our token to a new way of life, and it never tasted so sweet. I realized quickly that the tiny apartment that once housed a shambling family of three would soon be a figment of my imagination and only an unpleasant remembrance to my then infant son. We are now able to enjoy the whir of the fan in the bedroom while sleeping in late on a Saturday morning. Sunny days can now be spent outside enjoying the fresh air that fills our lungs for hours on trailed paths. At the age of two he makes it a purpose to smile at everything new, so contagious is the smile of  my baby boy. I hug and kiss him 2 zillion times a day just to feel his warm hands giving the small pat that most toddlers give. Kissing the small dimple on his right cheek, and telling him I love him forever and ever. This is peace for me, being able to see my son enjoy his childhood. He’s free to think about colors and shapes, and how many vanilla cookies he would like with lunch. I am thankful I was able to rid his life of chaos early, and blessed to not be stressed. There is reason for everything. As I sit here, continuously watching him pursue those translucent bubbles, while smiling broadly, and looking at me every so often to see if I’m still witnessing his accomplishments. I think to myself…..Yes sweetie, I am, and only one word comes to my mind: PEACE

SN: This post was written in response to the http://mybrownbaby.blogspot.com/2009/11/mybrownbaby-beautiful-mind-writing.html My Brown Baby Beautiful Mind Contest. Topic: Peace